Mo Mandel - Buying Porn

  • Season 14 , Ep 16
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 9,370

You're not on a winning streak if you're buying pornography, liquor and cigarettes at 1 a.m. (2:34)

I KNOW. I'M VERY NEGATIVE.I'VE GOT A NEGATIVE MIND.

I DON'T FIT IN IN L.A. AT ALL.

EVERYONE THERE IS SO POSITIVE.YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

THEY WAKE UP, "RAINBOWS EXIST!LET'S HAVE SMOOTHIES!"

UGH!

I WAKE UP MAD.ANYBODY ELSE LIKE THAT?

EVERY DAY, I WAKE UP, "DAMN IT!""WHAT'S WRONG?"

"I DON'T KNOW YET.JUST GOT UP."

[ APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

I HATE POSITIVE PEOPLE.I REALLY --

MY FRIEND DARREN'S LIKE THAT,

ONE OF THOSE PEOPLEWHO ALWAYS TRIES TO

PUT A LITTLE "MMM!"ON EVERY SITUATION.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY?

THE OTHER DAY,WE WERE HAVING A BAD NIGHT.

WE WERE AT THIS LIQUOR STOREIN LONG BEACH AT 1:00 A.M.

BUYING PORNOGRAPHY, CIGARETTES,AND VODKA.

AND THEN DARREN GOES, "HEY!

YOU WANT TO BUYA LOTTERY TICKET?"

"NO, DARREN, I DO NOT!

"WE'RE BUYING PORNOGRAPHY,CIGARETTES, AND VODKA.

CLEARLY, WE ARE NOTON A WINNING STREAK."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS,

WHY DOES THE GUYBUYING THE LOTTERY TICKET

ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THE MOSTUNLUCKY PERSON IN THE STORE?

IT'S ALWAYS SOME CRACKHEADIN SWEAT PANTS,

"LET ME GET A LOTTERY TICKET!"

"YOU WON THE LOTTERY YESTERDAYWHEN YOU WOKE UP ALIVE.

TAKE IT EASY."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S GOOD TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY, MAN.

I'LL TELL YOU. I'VE BEENTRAVELING A LOT LATELY.

I WENT TO AFRICA THIS YEAR.ANYONE EVER BEEN TO AFRICA?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]OH, REALLY?

A COUPLE PEOPLE? COUPLE PEOPLE?

IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN,I DON'T BLAME YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT IS VERY "AIDSY" IN AFRICA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GOT TO WEAR A CONDOM JUSTTO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE.

AND I WENT TO AFRICA WITHA FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS AFRICAN.

OR HIS FAMILY'S AFRICAN.WHEN WE WENT OVER THERE.

HE WAS REALLY GETTING INTOTHE CULTURE OF THE WHOLE THING.

HE WAS LIKE, "DIS IS WHEREDEE CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL."

I WAS LIKE, "TAKE IT EASY,'BLOOD DIAMOND.'

YOU'RE FROM NEWARK."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR iPhoneHAS A MACHETE APPLICATION ON IT,

BUT, UH..."

AND HALFWAY THROUGH THE TRIP,

HE WAS GETTINGA REAL ATTITUDE PROBLEM WITH ME.

HE WAS LIKE,"THIS IS WHERE WE'RE FROM.

YOU PEOPLESOLD US INTO SLAVERY."

I WAS LIKE,"YOU PEOPLE? I'M JEWISH.

"JEWS WERE NOT INVOLVEDIN THE SLAVE TRADE.

"LIKE, WE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN A GUY

"AND GET YOU A GOOD DEALON SOME CHAINS,

BUT THAT'S ABOUT AS FARAS IT WENT DOWN."

I WAS LIKE,"JEWS WERE SLAVES

"2,000 YEARS BEFOREBLACK PEOPLE WERE SLAVES.

"I GET IT --YOU GUYS SHOW UP LATE TO STUFF,

BUT DON'T GIVE ME A HARD TIME."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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