Ralph Harris - Unconditional Love

CC Presents: Ralph Harris Season 3, Ep 8 07/25/2000 Views: 5,737

Ralph Harris' biggest fear is that a night of kinky sex will go awry. (3:44)

WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEBODY,YOU KNOW?

I NEVER THOUGHTI'D BE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

WAKE UP IN MY HOUSETIED TO THE BED...

TRYING TO SHOW MY RELUCTANCETO THIS, YOU KNOW?

"WHOA. HEY!

HEY, GIRL, WHAT THE HELLYOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?"

SHE SAYS, "SHUT UP!"

"ALL RIGHT."

[laughter]

AND THAT'S ALL I'M GONNATELL Y'ALL ABOUT THAT PART.

'CAUSE THAT'S ONEOF MY BIGGEST FEARS, YOU KNOW.

THAT I GIVE INTO THAT KINK-OUT NIGHT

AND SOMETHING GOES AWRY,

AND I'M TIED TO THE BED,BLINDFOLDED,

ANTICIPATING HER EVERY MOVE.

WITH BATED BREATH AND BEADSOF SWEAT ALL OVER MY BODY.

AND THE BREEZEIS BLOWING MY HAIR ALL--

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE BOOK SAYS.

SHE'S ON THE DRESSERWITH A WHIP.

"I'M ABOUT TO BEAT YOUR ASS!"

AND I'M LAYING THERE LIKE,"OH, BABY, DON'T HURT ME!

BUT DO WHAT YOU MUST, GIRL."

AND SHE GOESTO JUMP OFF THE DRESSER

AND BUSTS HER HEADON THE CEILING FAN.

[laughter]

AND FOUR HOURS LATER--

FOUR HOURS LATER,I'M LAYING THERE LIKE,

"BABY, WHERE YOU AT?

"HEY, BABY, THE WHIPPED CREAMIS DRYING UP.

"I DON'T WANT NOBODYTO FIND ME LIKE THIS.

"THE CHERRIES ARE ITCHIN' ME!

"AT LEAST SOMEBODY TAKETHESE PANTIES OFF OF MY HEAD.

"BABY, GET THE CAT.BABY, GET THE CAT.

NO, LEAVE THE CAT.LEAVE THE CAT."

[applause]

I SEE Y'ALLRELATING TO THIS, HUH?

ALL RIGHT,A BUNCH OF FREAKS IN NEW YORK.

YOU SHOULD LIVE OUTYOUR FANTASIES, YOU KNOW?

JUST DON'T LET ANYBODYTIE YOU UP

UNLESS YOUR NEIGHBORS KNOWYOUR YELL.

YOU COULD BE THERE WEEKS LATER.

"HELP, I'M ITCHY!THE CHERRIES ARE DRAWING FLIES."

BUT THAT'S LOVE, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEBODY,

YOU LET THEMWAKE UP IN THE MORNING,

KISS YOU RIGHT IN YOUR MOUTH

WITHOUT BRUSHINGTHEIR TEETH FIRST.

"UH, THAT'S NASTY."

THAT'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

MY LOVE HAS CONDITIONS.

'CAUSE I'M TOO HONEST, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "UH!

"OH, GIRL, I THOUGHT YOU HADYOUR FOOT IN MY FACE.

[laughter]

"MY LIPS ARE BURNING.

"YOU NEED SOME LISTERINEWITH A MOTOR ON IT OR SOMETHING.

"GIRL, YOU OUGHTABOIL YOUR TONGUE.

THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHTA DO."

BUT THAT'S LOVE.

SEE, THAT'S A SMALL THINGTO WOMEN.

WOMEN DON'T MINDTHE LITTLE STUFF,

'CAUSE YOU HAVEA LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE,

YOU PICK YOUR ARGUMENTS.

YOU DON'T MIND LETTING YOUR MAN

LAY BESIDE YOU NIGHTAFTER NIGHT,

AND HIS TOENAILSARE CUTTING HOLES IN YOUR LEG.

YOU KNOW YOUR LEG IS BLEEDING,AND YOU DON'T EVEN SAY NOTHING.

YOU FIGURE, "OH, HELL, I LOVEHIM TILL DEATH DO US PART.

"I'M PROBABLY GOING TO DIEFROM THIS CUT RIGHT HERE.

HE GOT AN ARTERY THAT TIME."

'CAUSE FELLAS,

WE DON'T TAKE CARE OF OUR FEETLIKE WE SHOULD.

WE DON'T CLIP THE NAILS TILLTHEY BUST THROUGH THE DAMN SHOE.

WE DON'T WASH OUR FEET GOODIN THE SHOWER.

WE FIGURE, "OH, HELL, I'MSTANDING IN THE SOAPY WATER."