Maria Bamford - First Girl-Boy Party

Valentine, Bamford, Tosh, Robinson Season 3, Ep 302 12/07/1999 Views: 8,934

Have a good time -- just don't get pregnant. (3:43)

♪ DULUTH IN THE HOUSE,OH, YEAH. ♪

MY, UH... MY MOM--

I'LL TELL YOUA LITTLE ABOUT MYSELF--

MY MOM, UM, TOLD ME

BEFORE I WENT TO MY FIRSTGIRL-BOY PARTY

IN THE EIGHTH GRADE

SHE SAID, "OKAY,REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT--

"GONORRHEA, SYPHILIS,HERPES ONE, TWO.

"WATCH THE COLD SORES.

"DATE RAPE IS A LOT MORE COMMONTHAN PEOPLE THINK.

"YOU LOOK SO GORGEOUS.

"YOU WERE CONCEIVEDIN GROTON, CONNECTICUT

"IN ONE NIGHTIN A CAMPSITE.

"I AM NOT SAYINGYOU WEREN'T PLANNED.

"I'M JUST SAYING BAMFORDS GETPREGNANT LIKE FALLING OFF LOGS.

"OH, JENNY'S MOM'S HERETO PICK YOU UP.

WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME!"

UM...

I'VE BEEN THINKINGABOUT GETTING BREAST IMPLANTS

BECAUSE I'M A RADICAL,MILITANT FEMINIST

AND, UH, I WAS TRYINGTO RATIONALIZE IT

BY SAYING IT'S JUST LIKETHE JUNGLE TRIBESWOMAN

WHO SAYS TO THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TRANSLATOR

"I KNOW THERE ARE GOINGTO BE PHYSICAL IMPLICATIONS

"IF I INSERT A NINE-AND-A-HALF-INCH-DIAMETER CLAY LIP PLATE

"INTO MY MOUTH,BUT I'M DOING THIS FOR ME

"AND IT ALSO REPRESENTS HOW MANYCATTLE MY HUSBAND RECEIVES

AT THE TIME OF OUR ENGAGEMENT."

I USED TO, UH, I USEDTO WORK AS A SECRETARY

AND I HAD THIS REALLYCREEPY, CREEPY BOSS

WHO WOULD ALWAYS COME UP TO MEAND SAY STUFF LIKE:

( heavy breathing )

"I REALLY, I REALLY LIKE IT WHENYOU WEAR HAIR DOWN LIKE THAT.

( heavy breathing )

"IS THAT, IS THAT A PICTURE

"OF YOUR BOYFRIEND? HA-HA-HA.

"BOY, IF I WERE STILL HIS AGE

"I'D GIVE HIMA RUN FOR HIS MONEY.

( nervous chuckle )

( heavy breathing )

"WHY DON'T YOU,YOU COME IN THE MEETING

"AND, UH, TAKE SHORTHAND

"AND CHEER UP THE GUYSWITH YOUR PRETTY FACE?

"COME ON, SMILE FOR ME.

YOU LOOK SO MUCHMORE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU SMILE."

LIKE I GO IN HIS OFFICEAND SAY STUFF LIKE--

HI. I REALLY LOVE THE WAYYOUR GRAY, CURLY NECK HAIR

COMES UP OVER THE EDGE

OF YOUR PEACH, POLYWEAVE,SWEAT-STAINED SPORTS SHIRT.

DON'T MAKE ME JEALOUS

WITH THOSE PICTURESOF YOUR FAT, ANGRY WIFE.

WHY DON'T YOU COME IN MY CUBICLEAND TELL ME MORE

ABOUT MY PARTIAL DENTAL BENEFITSAFTER 90 DAYS.

COME ON, SMILE FOR ME.

THE FACT THAT I NET$6.49 AN HOUR

TO PROVIDE YOUWITH THE SEXUAL STIMULATION

YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO GETIN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

IS SO MUCH MORE APPARENTWHEN YOU SMILE.

OH, MAN.

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.

I HAVE DECIDEDTHAT THE WORSE THE JOB IS

THE MORE EXCITED THE TEMPORARYREPRESENTATIVE IS ABOUT IT.

( trilling excitedly ):HELLO, MARIA, THIS IS JUDY FROMT.R.C. STAFFING IN GLENDALE.

GOOD MORNING.

I HAVE AN INCREDIBLEOPPORTUNITY HERE FOR YOU TODAY.

FIVE DOLLARS AN HOUR,ALPHANUMERICAL FILING

IN AN INDUSTRIAL WAREHOUSE.

I THOUGHT OF YOU FIRST.

KEPT EXPECTING IT TO GET WORSE.

HELLO, MARIA, THIS IS JUDY.

TIJUANA, MEXICO.LOADING FRUIT TRUCKS.

YOU NEED TO BE THEREIN A HALF HOUR.

CORPORATE DRESS.

HELLO, MARIA, THIS IS IT,I HAVE A FEELING.

TEMP-TO-PERM, THAILAND.

YOU ARE SOLD INTO PROSTITUTION,BUT THERE IS FREE PARKING.