T.J. Miller - Neck Tattoo & Wet Hands

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 11/13/2012
  • Views: 6,208

T.J. Miller sees a bold neck tattoo and imagines how awful it would be if people pissed all over their hands. (2:47)

I SAW A THUGGISHYOUNG GENTLEMAN.

HE HAD A NECK TATTOOON THE BACK OF HIS NECK

THAT SAID SIMPLY,IN OLD ENGLISH,

"[bleep] YOU."

THAT'S A PRETTY BOLD THING

TO SAY TO WHOEVERIS STANDING BEHIND YOU.

BUT AS I WAS THINKING THAT,THIS IS TRUE,

HE TURNED TO MEAND HE GOES,

"HEY, MAN,YOU GOT A NICKEL?"

SO I SAID, "I THINK YOU CAN FINDTHE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION

ON THE BACK OF YOUR NECK."

BUT REALLY, I MEAN,IT COULD BE ANYBODY BEHIND HIM.

JUST A LITTLE OLD WOMANSTANDING BEHIND HIM.

YOU EVER SEEN AN OLD LADYAT A CONVENIENCE STORE?

JUST WITH TWO BAGS OF MILK,YOU KNOW?

"OH, MY SPINE IS CURVED

"FROM THE YEARSWEIGHING DOWN ON ME

"OF FOUR OUT OF FIVEOF MY GRANDCHILDREN

"BEING DISAPPOINTMENTS.

"OH, LOOK, IT SAYS SOMETHINGON THAT MAN'S NECK.

"I CAN'T QUITE SEE ITFROM DOWN HERE.

"I BET IT'S SCRIPTURE.

"OH, I LOVE A QUOTEFROM THE GOOD BOOK.

"IT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP.

"I'M GONNA MUSTERALL MY STRENGTH

AND TRY AND SEEWHAT IT SAYS."

[groans]

[gasps]

"WELL, THAT IS IT.

"I'M GONNA GIVE THAT YOUNG MANA PIECE OF MY MIND.

"SHOULD HAVE LEFTTHE MILK OVER THERE.

"IT'S VERY HEAVY.

"EXCUSE ME, SIR.

"I WANTED TO TELL YOUI SAW YOUR NECK TATTOO,

"AND I HAD A LITTLE SOMETHINGI WANTED TO SHOW YOU.

NO, [bleep] YOU."

YOU GUYS, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.IT'S OKAY.

IF YOU SHAKE MY HANDAND YOUR HAND IS WET,

IT'S OKAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE YOUHAVE TO EXPLAIN IT RIGHT AWAY.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE,"I JUST CAME FROM THE BATHROOM."

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I GUESSED.

I DIDN'T THINKYOU WERE OUT BACK

JUST DIPPING YOUR HANDSIN DIRTY PUDDLE WATER.

LIKE, "I'M GONNA GREET PEOPLEAND NOT EXPLAIN THIS AT ALL."

OR SOMETIMES PEOPLE FEEL LIKETHEY HAVE TO MAKE A JOKE.

"I JUST CAMEFROM THE BATHROOM.

DON'T WORRY,IT'S NOT PEE OR ANYTHING."

YEAH, I KNOW.

OF COURSE IT'S NOT.

HOW AWFUL WOULD MY LIFE BE

IF EVERY TIMESOMEONE'S HAND WAS WET

WHEN I GREETED THEMI WAS LIKE,

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?I'M T.J.

"WHAT IN THE GOOD GOD DAMN?

"HAVE YOU BEEN PISSINGALL OVER YOUR HANDS?

"WHAT, WERE YOU JUSTIN THE BATHROOM LIKE,

"'NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.YEAH!

"'TIME TO GREET PEOPLE ANDNOT EXPLAIN THIS AT ALL.

"'SAY I WAS IN THE BATHROOMBUT NOT TELL THEM WHAT FOR.

"'JUST SAYYOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT.'"

THAT LAST PART'S A PUN,

AND A LOT OF PEOPLEDON'T LIKE IT,

AND IT PISSES ME OFF.

[cheers and applause]

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