Ron White - Vegetarians

  • Season 7, Ep 13
  • 05/08/2003
  • Views: 53,798

SO, ANYWAY, FIRST TIME I EVER

WORKED IN NEW YORK CITY,

SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY TRUCK

AND STOLE MY RADIO.

THANK YOU, WHOEVER YOU WERE.

I GOT TO DRIVE BACK TO TEXAS

LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF WIND

FOR 56 HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

I WENT TO THE INSURANCE COMPANY.

I WAS FILLIN' OUT THESE FORMS

AND I GOT TO THE PART ON THE

FORM WHERE IT SAYS WHAT KIND

OF RADIO WAS IT.

AND I TOLD THE GUY I DIDN'T

REMEMBER AND HE SAID,

"MR. WHITE, IF YOU CAN REMEMBER

WHAT KIND OF RADIO IT WAS,

WE'LL KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY

TO GIVE YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

GOOD NEWS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I THOUGHT OF A REAL EXPENSIVE

SOUNDING BRAND AND I WROTE

IT DOWN, AND HE KNEW I WAS

LYING.

"MR. WHITE, I DON'T BELIEVE

ROLEX MAKES A RADIO."

(LAUGHTER)

IT WAS A CLOCK RADIO.

WRITE THE CHECK, PREMIUM BOY.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

SO, I WAS JUST OUT IN L.A.

FOR 10 DAYS.

I DON'T LIKE LOS ANGELES,

CALIFORNIA.

IT CHANGES PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I HAD A BUDDY OF MINE FROM

HOUSTON, HE'S A COMEDIAN,

HE MOVES TO L.A. SIX MONTHS AGO.

SIX MONTHS IN L.A., I DON'T KNOW

HIM.

SIX MONTHS IN L.A., NOW HE'S A

VEGETARIAN, A HUMANITARIAN,

AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

FINE.

IF YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT

AND YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN,

DO ME A FAVOR.

SHUT UP.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA RECRUIT ME.

I DIDN'T CLIMB TO THE TOP OF

THE FOOD CHAIN TO EAT CARROTS.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU EVER SEE A HEALTHY LOOKING

VEGETARIAN?

THEY'RE ALL KIND OF YELLOW,

AREN'T THEY?

THEIR BODIES BECOME INTOLERANT.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

I'M ON THE WAY TO THE

MELROSE IMPROVE TO DO A SET

WITH MY BUDDY AND HE SAYS THIS,

AND I QUOTE.

HE GOES, "I FEEL NAUSEOUS

AND I HAVE A HEADACHE.

I THINK THAT VEGETABLE SOUP

I HAD FOR LUNCH MUST HAVE HAD

BEEF BROTH IN IT."

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOUR SYSTEM'S KICKIN' BACK--

BROTH?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE A MANLY MAN, AREN'T YA?

(APPLAUSE)

WHY ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN,

I ASKED HIM, AND IT WASN'T EVEN

BECAUSE MEAT'S BAD FOR YOU.

HE SAID THAT RAISING CATTLE

WAS BAD FOR THE PLANET WITH

COW FLATULENCE IN THE OZONE

AND THE CLEARING OF LAND FOR

THE RAISING OF CATTLE.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP

THE ENVIRONMENT?

I'M EATIN' THE COW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CRAZY PEOPLE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I WAS IN MIAMI A COUPLE YEARS

AGO WHEN HURRICANE GEORGE HIT

THE KEYS.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS FUNNY.

THEY EVACUATED THE KEYS,

AND EVERYBODY LEFT EXCEPT FOR

ONE GUY, WHO WAS GONNA STAY

THERE AND TIE HIMSELF TO A TREE

ON THE BEACH TO PROVE A POINT.

AND THE POINT WAS, HE SAID,

THAT AT 53 YEARS OF AGE,

HE WAS IN GOOD ENOUGH PHYSICAL

CONDITION TO WITHSTAND THE WIND

AND THE RAIN FROM A FORCE 3

HURRICANE.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHIN' TO YA.

IT ISN'T THAT THE WIND

IS BLOWIN', IT'S WHAT THE WIND

IS BLOWIN'.

IF YOU GET HIT WITH A VOLVO,

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER

HOW MANY SIT-UPS YOU DID THAT

MORNING.

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

Loading...