WE NEED A GAME PLAN, FOLKS,
'CUZ THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT MORE
WARS, LET'S FACE IT.
AND THAT'S GONNA BE A BIG ISSUE.
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE OF WARS?
'CUZ THERE'S A LOT MORE WARS
COMING.
IT'S NOT GONNA JUST BE IRAQ.
WE GOTTA LOT MORE.
WE GOTTA IRAN, SYRIA, NORWAY,
CANADA.
NORWAY CONTROLS THE WORLDS
REINDEER SUPPLY.
WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.
WE CAN'T HAVE OUR SHOPPING
MALL SANTA'S BEHOLDEN TO THESE
SCANDINAVIAN EXTREMISTS.
WE'RE TAKING NORWAY OUT.
IRAN.
WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING INTO
IRAN.
THEY HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS
ALREADY.
WHY AREN'T WE IN THERE?
WHY AREN'T IN IRAN NOW?
THE ONLY REASON WE'RE NOT IN
IRAN RIGHT NOW IS 'CUZ WE'RE
GOING ALPHABETICALLY AND
GEORGE BUSH CAN'T SPELL.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, I'M SAYING--
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE HAVE TO HAVE A GAME PLAN!
WE NEED A GAME PLAN WHEN
WE GO--
WE'RE GREAT AT BLOWING [BLEEP]
UP.
BUT THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
LOOK AT AFGHANISTAN, RIGHT,
WE HAD A BIG PLAN FOR
AFGHANISTAN, BUT THEN WE BLEW
EVERYTHING UP, WE LEFT.
AND NOW WHAT?
APPARENTLY THE WAR LORDS
AREN'T COOPERATING WITH OUR
GAME PLAN.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WE'RE SURPRISED BY THAT.
IT TURNS OUT THE WARLORDS ARE
PRICKS AFTER ALL.
WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT WITH
THE NAME "WARLORD" ATTACHED
TO THEIR TITLE AND ALL?
[LAUGHTER]
THEY'RE WARLORDS.
ONCE YOU'RE A WARLORD, YOU'RE
GONNA BE A WARLORD FOREVER.
YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING ELSE.
YOU DON'T GO FROM WARLORD TO CAR
SALESMAN.
YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR OWN CAR LOT.
"I'M CRAZY ISHMAEL KAHN.
THE WAY I USED TO SLASH THE
EARS OFF MY RIVALS I NOW SLASH
PRICES OFF ALL NEW MITSUBISHI
GALLANTS."
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S GONNA BE THERE--
LOOK, WE HAVE A LOT OF WARS
COMING, LET'S FACE IT.
LOOK AT ALL THE TROUBLE SPOTS
IN THE WORLD.
NORTH KOREA, THAT'S DEFINITELY
A TROU-- WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING
TO WAR NORTH KOREA.
THAT ANGRY LITTLE PSYCHO MIDGET,
THAT RULES NORTH KOREA.
ANYTIME YOU HAVE A SHORT LITTLE
MISERABLE BASTARD LIKE THAT
RUNNING AROUND A COUNTRY WITH
HIS HIGH HEEL SHOES AND HIS
BOUFFANT HAIR-DO, YOU KNOW WITH
HIS LITTLE, STUPID OLD LADY
GLAUCOMA GLASSES THAT HE WEARS--
HE'S ALL FURIOUS.
YOU KNOW HOW SHORT YOU HAVE
TO BE TO HAVE AN NAPOLEON
COMPLEX IN NORTH KOREA?
THIS--
[LAUGHTER]
THIS DUDE IS--
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND LET'S FACE IT, FOLKS,
THESE WARS, YOU KNOW, THEY ARE
ABOUT OIL TO SOME EXTENT,
NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.
WE CARE ABOUT THAT PART OF THE
WORLD, 'CUZ IT'S IMPORTANT.
YOU KNOW, AND OIL IS FUELING
EVERYTHING THESE DAYS.
SOMEBODY SAID IF YOU DRIVE AN
SUV, YOU PUT MONEY INTO THE
HANDS OF TERRORISTS.
SO, I DON'T DRIVE AT ALL.
I JUST TAKE TAXIS.
THAT'LL SHOW 'EM.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T WANT MY MONEY ENDING UP
IN SOME FOREIGN COUNTRY.
[LAUGHTER]
WE NEED A WHOLE NEW ENERGY
SOURCE.
WHY ARE WE STILL RELYING ON OIL?
WE NEED A WHOLE NEW ENERGY
SOURCE.
WE NEED SOMETHING ELSE.
IT'S NOT GONNA BE
CONSERVATION, LET'S FACE IT.
AMERICANS ARE NOT GONNA
CONSERVE.
WE'RE NOT GONNA SHIFT TO SMALLER
WE CAN'T.
WE HAVE BIG, FAT KIDS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
YOU TRY WEDGING A CLAN OF THESE
MID-AMERICAN BEHEMOTHS AND THEIR
CHEETOS AND THEIR FUNIONS AND
THEIR GAME BOYS INTO THE BACK
SEAT OF A HONDA CIVIC.
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU NEED THE TORQUE OF A BIG SUV
TO DRAG THESE FAT BASTARDS FROM
SOCCER PRACTICE TO SOCCER
PRACTICE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]