Greg Giraldo - Game Plan

  • Season 8 , Ep 18
  • 04/01/2004
  • Views: 3,269

America can't just keep blowing things up and leaving. (2:55)

WE NEED A GAME PLAN, FOLKS,

'CUZ THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT MORE

WARS, LET'S FACE IT.

AND THAT'S GONNA BE A BIG ISSUE.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE OF WARS?

'CUZ THERE'S A LOT MORE WARS

COMING.

IT'S NOT GONNA JUST BE IRAQ.

WE GOTTA LOT MORE.

WE GOTTA IRAN, SYRIA, NORWAY,

CANADA.

NORWAY CONTROLS THE WORLDS

REINDEER SUPPLY.

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

WE CAN'T HAVE OUR SHOPPING

MALL SANTA'S BEHOLDEN TO THESE

SCANDINAVIAN EXTREMISTS.

WE'RE TAKING NORWAY OUT.

IRAN.

WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING INTO

IRAN.

THEY HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS

ALREADY.

WHY AREN'T WE IN THERE?

WHY AREN'T IN IRAN NOW?

THE ONLY REASON WE'RE NOT IN

IRAN RIGHT NOW IS 'CUZ WE'RE

GOING ALPHABETICALLY AND

GEORGE BUSH CAN'T SPELL.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, I'M SAYING--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE TO HAVE A GAME PLAN!

WE NEED A GAME PLAN WHEN

WE GO--

WE'RE GREAT AT BLOWING [BLEEP]

UP.

BUT THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

LOOK AT AFGHANISTAN, RIGHT,

WE HAD A BIG PLAN FOR

AFGHANISTAN, BUT THEN WE BLEW

EVERYTHING UP, WE LEFT.

AND NOW WHAT?

APPARENTLY THE WAR LORDS

AREN'T COOPERATING WITH OUR

GAME PLAN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'RE SURPRISED BY THAT.

IT TURNS OUT THE WARLORDS ARE

PRICKS AFTER ALL.

WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT WITH

THE NAME "WARLORD" ATTACHED

TO THEIR TITLE AND ALL?

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE WARLORDS.

ONCE YOU'RE A WARLORD, YOU'RE

GONNA BE A WARLORD FOREVER.

YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU DON'T GO FROM WARLORD TO CAR

SALESMAN.

YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR OWN CAR LOT.

"I'M CRAZY ISHMAEL KAHN.

THE WAY I USED TO SLASH THE

EARS OFF MY RIVALS I NOW SLASH

PRICES OFF ALL NEW MITSUBISHI

GALLANTS."

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S GONNA BE THERE--

LOOK, WE HAVE A LOT OF WARS

COMING, LET'S FACE IT.

LOOK AT ALL THE TROUBLE SPOTS

IN THE WORLD.

NORTH KOREA, THAT'S DEFINITELY

A TROU-- WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING

TO WAR NORTH KOREA.

THAT ANGRY LITTLE PSYCHO MIDGET,

THAT RULES NORTH KOREA.

ANYTIME YOU HAVE A SHORT LITTLE

MISERABLE BASTARD LIKE THAT

RUNNING AROUND A COUNTRY WITH

HIS HIGH HEEL SHOES AND HIS

BOUFFANT HAIR-DO, YOU KNOW WITH

HIS LITTLE, STUPID OLD LADY

GLAUCOMA GLASSES THAT HE WEARS--

HE'S ALL FURIOUS.

YOU KNOW HOW SHORT YOU HAVE

TO BE TO HAVE AN NAPOLEON

COMPLEX IN NORTH KOREA?

THIS--

[LAUGHTER]

THIS DUDE IS--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND LET'S FACE IT, FOLKS,

THESE WARS, YOU KNOW, THEY ARE

ABOUT OIL TO SOME EXTENT,

NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.

WE CARE ABOUT THAT PART OF THE

WORLD, 'CUZ IT'S IMPORTANT.

YOU KNOW, AND OIL IS FUELING

EVERYTHING THESE DAYS.

SOMEBODY SAID IF YOU DRIVE AN

SUV, YOU PUT MONEY INTO THE

HANDS OF TERRORISTS.

SO, I DON'T DRIVE AT ALL.

I JUST TAKE TAXIS.

THAT'LL SHOW 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT MY MONEY ENDING UP

IN SOME FOREIGN COUNTRY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE NEED A WHOLE NEW ENERGY

SOURCE.

WHY ARE WE STILL RELYING ON OIL?

WE NEED A WHOLE NEW ENERGY

SOURCE.

WE NEED SOMETHING ELSE.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE

CONSERVATION, LET'S FACE IT.

AMERICANS ARE NOT GONNA

CONSERVE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SHIFT TO SMALLER

WE CAN'T.

WE HAVE BIG, FAT KIDS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

YOU TRY WEDGING A CLAN OF THESE

MID-AMERICAN BEHEMOTHS AND THEIR

CHEETOS AND THEIR FUNIONS AND

THEIR GAME BOYS INTO THE BACK

SEAT OF A HONDA CIVIC.

IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU NEED THE TORQUE OF A BIG SUV

TO DRAG THESE FAT BASTARDS FROM

SOCCER PRACTICE TO SOCCER

PRACTICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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