Stephen Lynch - Superheroes

  • Season 3 , Ep 9
  • 08/01/2000
  • Views: 42,768

Justice Guy is a superhero who punishes lying women. (3:48)

MY NAME IS STEPHEN.

COULD EVERYBODY SAY,"HI, STEPHEN"?

[audience]HI, STEPHEN.

GOOD;YOU'RE A GOOD CROWD.

I CAN TELL.

NOW, YOUR FIRST-GRADE TEACHERTOLD ME

YOU GUYS WEREJUST ABOUT THE BEST CLASS

THAT SHE HAS EVER HAD,

SO SHE ASKED METO COME HERE TODAY

AND READ A STORY AND SINGSOME SONGS FOR YOU GUYS.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN,DOESN'T IT?

[cheering and applause]

NOW, LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING, KIDS.

WHEN YOU GROW UP,

YOU CAN BE ANYTHING IN THE WORLDYOU WANT TO BE.

THAT'S RIGHT--A DOCTOR,A LAWYER, AN ASTRONAUT,

EVEN A SUPERHERO.

WOW.

IF YOU COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

WHAT KIND OF SUPERHERO WOULD YOU BE?

BATMAN, SUPERMAN,

WONDER WOMANFOR SOME OF YOU GUYS UP THERE?

OR WOULD YOU USEYOUR IMAGINATION

AND MAKE UP ONE OF YOUR OWN?

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ I WOULD BE AWESOME MAN.

♪ I'D FLY AROUND THE WORLDFIGHTING CRIME ♪

♪ ACCORDINGTO MY AWESOME PLAN. ♪

♪ AND IF I SAW CRIMINALSTRYING TO LIE, ♪

♪ HURTING OTHER PEOPLEAND MAKING THEM CRY, ♪

♪ I'D HAUL THEM OFF TO JAILIN MY AWESOME VAN, ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I WOULD BEAWESOME MAN. ♪

NOW, SOME CRIMINALS WANT YOUTO BE A CRIMINAL,

AND THEY OFFER YOU THINGSLIKE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.

BUT WE KNOW WHAT TO DO, KIDS.

WE'D JUST SAY "NO."

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ I WOULD BE DRUG-FREE BOY,

♪ TELLING THE WORLDOF THE EVILS OF DRUGS ♪

♪ AND ALL OF THE LIVESTHEY DESTROY. ♪

♪ WELL, I'D TAKE ALL THE JUNKIEHE'S GETTING SO HIGH ♪

♪ WITH THEIR NEEDLES AND BONGSAND THEIR STICKS MADE OF THAI. ♪

♪ AS I BURNED THEM ALIVE,I WOULD SQUEAL WITH JOY, ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I WOULD BEDRUG-FREE BOY. ♪

[whistling]

[blowing air]

[playing bouncy guitarinterlude]

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ I'D BE IMMIGRATION DUDE.

♪ I'D SEND ALL THE FOREIGNERSBACK TO THEIR HOMES ♪

♪ FOR EATING UPALL OF OUR FOOD ♪

♪ AND TAKING OUR WELFAREAND BEST JOBS, TO BOOT, ♪

♪ LIKE LANDSCAPING, DISHWASHING,PICKING OUR FRUIT. ♪

♪ I'D PASS A LOT OF LAWSTO GET RID OF THEIR BROOD, ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'D BEIMMIGRATION DUDE. ♪

NOW, KIDS, YOU CAN MAKE UPYOUR VERY OWN SUPERHERO.

IF YOU COULD,

WHO WOULD IT BE?

♪ IF I COULD BE A SUPERHERO,

♪ WOULD YOU BE JUSTICE GUY,

♪ MAKING SURE PEOPLE GETWHAT THEY DESERVE, ♪

♪ ESPECIALLY WOMEN WHO LIE?

♪ LIKE IF A WIFELEFT HER HUSBAND ♪

♪ WITH THREE KIDSAND NO JOB ♪

♪ TO RUN OFF TO HAWAIIWITH SOME DOCTOR NAMED BOB, ♪

♪ YOU COULD SKIN THEM AND DRAINTHEM OF BLOOD SO THEY'D DIE, ♪

♪ ESPECIALLY BOB.

♪ THEN YOU WOULD BEJUSTICE GUY. ♪

♪ OR YOU COULD BE MORE SUBTLE.

♪ NO, I DIDN'T MEANTO BE VAGUE. ♪

♪ GIVE HER THE MAD COW DISEASE;LET HIM DIE OF THE PLAGUE, ♪

♪ AS LONG AS THEY SUFFERFOR THEIR TERRIBLE LIE-- ♪

♪ ESPECIALLY BOB--

♪ THEN YOU WOULD BEJUSTICE GUY. ♪

♪ YES, THEN YOU WOULD BE

♪ A SUPERHERO LIKE ME. ♪

[applause]

THANK YOU.

AW, YOU KIDS ARE GREAT.

[applause]

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