Theo Von - Black Next Time

Theo Von Season 1, Ep 7 06/01/2012 Views: 4,610

Theo Von lists the things he envies about black guys, including their style, their nicknames and their ability to make anything fun. (2:26)

Who else is here tonight, huh?

Where my black peopleat tonight?

(audience woos)

That's what's up.

I love black people.

I want to be black next time.

It looks fun because you canwear anything you want.

Black guy looks goodin anything.

You ever see a black guy

with that t-shirt down to here?

I'm like,"What size is that? Forever?"

Like, if I wear that,

I look like a lesbianabout to take a nap.

I look like Ellenat a slumber party.

Black guys have allthe cool nicknames:

Doodoo, Pookie,Doodyman, Snicker,

Kit Kat... anything offthe candy aisle.

Payday, 100 Grand, Rollo...

Oh Henry!,that's a gay black guy.

Oh Henry! Oh Henry!

Tart N' Tiny--that's a little gay black guy.

There go little Tart N' Tiny,looking for dicks.

Black people alwayshave a good time.

I was, um, I wasin court the other day

and...(audience chuckling)

That's not the joke, people thatare laughing-- that's racism.

Sorry, black friends.

I was in court the other day andthis black guy pleaded "My bad."

And I was like, "(bleep), yeah,dude, it is on in here, right?"

And I was up right after himfor DUI and I wanted to be cool,

so I pleaded, "Blame iton the a-a-a-a-alcohol.

And blame it on the weed."

And, uh, that's when they got mefor possession of marijuana.

But I blamed thaton the black guy

and they rearrested him.

So, that's...

that's the system.

We got to keep reppingthe struggle.

I can't believe black peoplecan't swim yet.

Y'all are (bleep) around,come on.

Y'all the mostathletic people on Earth.

Can't y'all justrun across the water?

Like, you think it would beeasiest for black people

'cause all they have to dois invent a dance move

that would keep themabove water.

(bleep), teach mehow to doggy-paddle.

All this water love me.

All this, all this waterlove me.

All this water love me,all, all...