Carlos Alazraqui - Big Cars

  • Season 8, Ep 10
  • 02/26/2004
  • Views: 6,196

Carlos Alazraqui: I TRY TO BE

NICE, YOU GUYS.

I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A NICE

AMERICAN WHICH IS SOMETIMES

AN OXY-MORONIC TERM;

NICE AMERICAN.

WE ARE NOT KNOWN THROUGHOUT

THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY WITH

OUR PRESIDENT...

[AS PRESIDENT BUSH]

"SCREW DIPLOMACY."

WE'RE NOT KNOWN AS BEING NICE

AROUND THE WORLD, MAN.

WE JUST AREN'T.

WE'RE LIKE--

AND WE'RE YOUNG, TOO.

AMERICA-- IT'S THE SUPER POWER

SINCE WHAT, 1940 WHEN WE WON THE

WAR?

SIXTY YEARS AS A SUPERPOWER,

200 YEARS AS A NATION AND

WE'RE COCKY.

WE'RE LIKE TEENAGERS.

"HEY, SCREW YOU, EUROPE.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, I'M AMERICA, ASS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T HAVE TO AGREE WITH

YOUR CRAP-- YOUR U.N. CRAP.

I'LL ROCK YOUR WORLD, [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M AMERICA.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAN.

[CHEERING]

BACK OFF, SHERROCK."

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE AMERICA.

WE DON'T LIKE TO BE TOLD WHAT

TO DO.

WE DON'T EVEN LIKE TO BE TOLD

WHAT TO DRIVE.

YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD REALLY

CONCERN OURSELVES WITH FUEL

CONSERVATION AND THE

ENVIRONMENT.

"SCREW YOU, MAN, I'M GONNA

DRIVE WHATEVER I WANT."

THE CARS ARE GETTING BIGGER.

THESE SUV's ARE HUGE.

I HAD ONE THAT I THOUGHT WAS

LIKE MIDDLE OF THE LINE.

IT'S JUST DWARFED BY THESE BIG

BEHEMOTH'S-- BIGGER CAR--

BIGGER CAR, TINTED WINDOWS,

HUGE-- GONNA GET OUT OF CONTROL

AND IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THE

"UNITED MOTORS GOLIATH [BLEEP]

YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

2900 THOUSAND HORSE POWER,

15,000 GALLON FUEL TANK WITH

EXTERNAL PETRO TEETS SO THOSE

CHEAP FOREIGN CAR DRIVING

BASTARDS CAN SIPHON FUEL FROM

YOUR TANK.

[SOUND OF MACHINE GUN FIRING]

"I CAN'T SEE AROUND YOUR CAR."

"SO WHAT?

[BLEEP] YOU."

[MACHINE GUN FIRING]

[APPLAUSE]

[FIRING CONTINUES]

"YOU DON'T WANT TO DROP YOUR

CHILDREN OFF TO SOCCER PRACTICE

IN ONE OF THOSE CHEAP LITTLE

COMPACT CARS.

WHY DON'T YOU DROP THEM OFF

NAKED?

THEY'RE ALREADY EMBARRASSED,

YOU ASS."

[ROARING ENGINE NOISES]

"WHAT ABOUT AN ELECTRIC CAR?"

"AN ELECTRIC CAR?

WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON A SPEEDO

AND SLOW DANCE WITH

ED BEGLEY JR., YOU POODLE

[BLEEP] PANSY?"

[APPLAUSE]

"WHAT WOULD JESUS DRIVE?"

"HIS FIST THROUGH THE TOP OF

YOUR CAR.

AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE AND

TELL YOU TO GET A REAL CAR,

[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

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