Judy Gold - Parents

  • Season 3 , Ep 15
  • 09/14/2000
  • Views: 1,640

Judy's mom loves the legroom of the front passenger seat. (2:13)

SHE JUST GOT AN ANSWERINGMACHINE FOR HER HOUSE, RIGHT?

SO I CALLED HERWHILE SHE WASN'T AT HOME

TO SEE WHAT THE MESSAGE WAS.

FIRST OF ALL,IT'S, LIKE, TWO HOURS LONG.

IT'S LIKE THE FIRST DRAFT OF HERREALLY BORING AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

[laughter]

"YOU HAVE REACHED 478-[...].I LIVE AT 310 GIBSON BOULEVARD.

"ON TUESDAYS FROM 8:00 TO 11:30,

"I GO TO BINGOAT THE SYNAGOGUE TO HELP OUT;

"THE MONEY IS IN THE TOP DRAWEROF MY DRESSER IN THE BEDROOM;

THE KEY IS UNDER THE MAT"--

"MA, SHUT UP!"

[laughter]

SHE'S SO NEGATIVE.I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A 3 1/2YEAR-OLD SON WHO IS A GENIUS.

HE'S THE GREATEST THING,AND THIS IS SO "MY MOTHER":

ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO--THIS IS TRUE--

HE WAS SITTING IN THE CAR SEATIN THE BACK,

AND MY MOTHER WAS SITTINGIN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT--

WE WERE GOING SOMEWHERE--

BECAUSE MY MOTHER ALWAYS SITSIN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT

BECAUSE SHE LIKES THE LEGROOM.

I CAN HAVE A MUTE PARAPLEGICFRIEND WHO NEEDS A RIDE,

AND MY MOTHER WILL STILL SITIN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT.

CHRISTOPHER REEVECOULD NEED A RIDE,

AND SHE WOULD TIE HIMTO THE LICENSE PLATE

AND LET HIM ROLL DOWN THE STREETBEHIND US

SO SHE CAN GET THE LEGROOM.

ANYWAYS, SO SHE GETS IN THE CAR,

AND SHE SITSON ONE OF MY SON'S TOYS.

AND IT'S--THE TOY HAS ALLTHESE DIFFERENT COLORS ON IT.

AND THIS IS HOW NEGATIVE SHE IS.

SHE PICKS THE TOY UP, AND SAYSTO MY SON IN THE BACK SEAT:

"HENRY, WHAT COLOR IS THIS?"

[in boyish voice]"BLUE."

"WHAT COLOR IS THIS?"

"GREEN."

"WHAT COLOR IS THIS?"

"PURPLE."

PUTS THE TOY DOWNAND AND SAYS,

"WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOWHE'S NOT COLOR-BLIND."

[laughter]

I'M LIKE, "WHY CAN'T YOU SAY, HE KNOWS HIS COLORS,

LIKE A NORMAL GRANDMOTHERWOULD SAY?"

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?SHE NEEDS TO GET LAID.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY--

[laughter]NO, I'M NOT--SHE NEEDS A COMPANION.

OH, YOU'RE SO CONSERVATIVE.

I FEEL LIKE I'M AT A RIGHT-WINGCONSERVATIVE CONVENTION HERE.

NO, I REALLY DO.I THINK SHE NEEDS TO, YOU KNOW,

HAVE A LITTLE--NOT THAT I WANTTO IMAGINE MY MOTHER HAVING SEX.

THAT ISTHE MOST DISGUSTING THING.

"COULD YOU TRYNOT TO MOVE A LOT?

I HAVE VERTIGO, AND I TENDTO GET DIZZY VERY EASILY."

[laughter]

"CAN WE LEAVESOME WATER BY THE BED?

"MY MEDICATIONMAKES ME DEHYDRATED.

"CAN MY AID STAY IN THE ROOM

IN CASE I NEEDTO GET UP AT ALL DURING"--

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