Cause I at least can admit
I'm an American.
I don't care about Indians.
Do you think we careabout the feelings
of Native Americans
when we celebrateColumbus Day?
That's the day that the whiteman discovered a land...
where Indians had been livingfor a few thousand years.
And that's the American I want--
that badass, ballsy American.
And I love that American.
That white manthat landed on Plymouth Rock,
looked out into America,and said,
"We discover this land."
The Indians on the beachwere like,
"I don't think he sees us.
Make some noise!"
[imitatesNative American chanting]
"Light a fire!Light a fire!"
Instead what do we do?
We do things like create lawsthat aren't necessary.
We already have the law.
Don't hire 'em,they're not gonna be here.
But we got to add laws--Ooh, S.B. 1070 in Arizona.
"If you look, act,or sound like an illegal,
we're gonna ask youfor your papers."
And I'm not even kidding you,when that law first passed,
I got over 1,000 phone callsfrom people, organizations--
"You need to help us protest.You need to boycott Arizona."
I will do no such thing.
I love that lawon a personal level,
because my brother Joseph,who annoys me to no end--
because how can you livein America for over 45 years
and still say,"How are 'jou'?"
I don't understand it.I don't get it.
And that dude moved to Arizona
three monthsbefore the law passed.
And I gave himthe down payment.
I knew itwas gonna happen.
Because, people,he doesn't even try.
Whatever you think about me,
whatever you think about me,people, I try.
Yeah, 1992,I saw myself on HBO.
I did a joke where I went,"Oh, come on, homes.
You don't eat the penis."
And I went, "Oh, my God.
"That accent'snot gonna sell any tickets
outside of Los Angeles."
So I bought theseannunciation tapes,
and I'm at hometrying to be a good American,
going, "Ten dwarvestook turns doing handstands
on the carpet."
Yeah. My brother Josephwalks in--
"Hey, 'eberybody'!We gonna celebrate tonight!
I pass the test. I become acitizen of the Chunited Estate."
"How did you pass the test?
Was there not a verbal portionof this exam?"
He looked at meright in the face and went,
"It was easy.
They give it to mein a-Spanish."
By the way,that is not a joke.
My brother took the testto become an American
So you can imaginehow happy I was
when I'm watching CNN
and that woman signsthe bill into law.
And 22 seconds later,my phone rings.
It's my brother Joseph.I wonder what he has to say.
I hit "answer."I went like this, "Hello?"
This is exactly what I heardcome out of his mouth.
"'Jou' know they gonna ask mefor my papers."