Uncensored - Carlos Mencia - Unnecessary Laws

Carlos Mencia: New Territory Season 1, Ep 1 12/04/2011 Views: 11,228

Carlos Mencia is surprised that Native Americans aren't angrier about the fact that the U.S. still celebrates Columbus Day. (3:31)

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Cause I at least can admit

I'm an American.

I don't care about Indians.

Do you think we careabout the feelings

of Native Americans

when we celebrateColumbus Day?

That's the day that the whiteman discovered a land...

where Indians had been livingfor a few thousand years.

And that's the American I want--

that badass, ballsy American.

And I love that American.

That white manthat landed on Plymouth Rock,

looked out into America,and said,

"We discover this land."

The Indians on the beachwere like,

"I don't think he sees us.

Make some noise!"

[imitatesNative American chanting]

"Light a fire!Light a fire!"

Instead what do we do?

We do things like create lawsthat aren't necessary.

We already have the law.

Don't hire 'em,they're not gonna be here.

But we got to add laws--Ooh, S.B. 1070 in Arizona.

"If you look, act,or sound like an illegal,

we're gonna ask youfor your papers."

And I'm not even kidding you,when that law first passed,

I got over 1,000 phone callsfrom people, organizations--

"You need to help us protest.You need to boycott Arizona."

I will do no such thing.

I love that lawon a personal level,

because my brother Joseph,who annoys me to no end--

because how can you livein America for over 45 years

and still say,"How are 'jou'?"

I don't understand it.I don't get it.

And that dude moved to Arizona

three monthsbefore the law passed.

And I gave himthe down payment.

I knew itwas gonna happen.

Because, people,he doesn't even try.

Whatever you think about me,

whatever you think about me,people, I try.

Yeah, 1992,I saw myself on HBO.

I did a joke where I went,"Oh, come on, homes.

You don't eat the penis."

And I went, "Oh, my God.

"That accent'snot gonna sell any tickets

outside of Los Angeles."

So I bought theseannunciation tapes,

and I'm at hometrying to be a good American,

going, "Ten dwarvestook turns doing handstands

on the carpet."

Yeah. My brother Josephwalks in--

"Hey, 'eberybody'!We gonna celebrate tonight!

I pass the test. I become acitizen of the Chunited Estate."

"How did you pass the test?

Was there not a verbal portionof this exam?"

He looked at meright in the face and went,

"It was easy.

They give it to mein a-Spanish."

By the way,that is not a joke.

My brother took the testto become an American

in Spanish.

So you can imaginehow happy I was

when I'm watching CNN

and that woman signsthe bill into law.

And 22 seconds later,my phone rings.

It's my brother Joseph.I wonder what he has to say.

I hit "answer."I went like this, "Hello?"

This is exactly what I heardcome out of his mouth.

"'Samana' bitch!"

"'Jou' know they gonna ask mefor my papers."