D.C. Benny - I'm Gonna Cut You Good

  • Season 8 , Ep 3
  • 02/05/2004
  • Views: 10,409

Sometimes even one line can be too hard to remember during an audition. (1:49)

JOB BEING A COMEDIAN, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A VERY STRANGE JOB.

LIKE, AH--

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANNA KNOW WHAT

DO WE DO DURING THE DAY.

A LOT OF TIMES WE GO OUT ON

AUDITIONS FOR REALLY SUCKY

TV SHOWS.

AND DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK

THAT'S THE KIND OF SHOW YOU GET

SENT OUT ON.

LIKE FOR ME, I ALWAYS GET SENT

OUT AS "FLOCKO THE DRUG DEALER".

YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY NICHE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO A COUPLE MONTHS AGO I GET

SENT OUT FOR THIS SHOW

SWIFT JUSTICE WHICH YOU CAN

TELL BY THE NAME IS GONNA BE A

REALLY LOUSY SHOW, ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE ONE LINE I HAVE TO

MEMORIZE.

AND THE LINE IS, "I GONNA CUT

YOU GOOD."

THAT'S THE LINE.

SO I'M PRACTICING IN THE

APARTMENT.

I'M DOING IT TO THE CAT.

I'M LIKE, "I'M GONNA CUT YOU

GOOD."

[LAUGHTER]

DO IT TO MY WIFE.

"I'M GONNA CUT YOU GOOD."

SHE'S LIKE, "TAKE OUT THE

TRASH."

I'M LIKE [GRUNTS].

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I MEMORIZE THE LINE.

I GO TO THE AUDITION THE NEXT

DAY.

THERE'S 30 GUYS SITTING THERE

LOOK JUST LIKE ME.

"WE GONNA CUT YOU GOOD.

WE GONNA CUT YOU GOOD."

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M NERVOUS.

AND THE CASTING DIRECTOR

COMES OUT, CALLS MY NAME,

"D.C. BENNY."

OF COURSE HE MESSES IT UP.

HE'S LIKE-- "JC PENNEY?

YEAH, COME ON BACK."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WALK IN.

I'M SO NERVOUS I FORGET THE

LINE, YOU KNOW?

SO I IMPROVISE SOME STUFF.

I'M LIKE "I'LL KILL ALL YOU

SUCKERS."

AND I JUST LEAVE, YOU KNOW?

AND I GET THE PART, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SO I GET THE PART.

I'M EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

IN MY HEAD I'M LIKE, "OH,

IT'S ALL GONNA CHANGE.

YOU KNOW, I'LL BE ON LENO."

AND-- [MIMICKING LENO]

"TELL ME WHAT YOU DO."

"I CUT GOOD.

I CUT GOOD."

[LAUGHTER]

SO THE NIGHT IT COMES ON I

TELL EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY.

YOU KNOW WE FILM THE THING.

THE NIGHT IT COMES ON I TELL

EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY.

SITTING THERE WITH MY MOM AND

EVERYBODY.

WE'RE WATCHING.

THE PART COMES.

I'M LIKE, "SHHH, HERE IT IS."

I'M NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"

MY WIFE'S LIKE, "THEY CUT YOU

GOOD.

THEY CUT YOU GOOD."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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