An American in Rio

August 8, 2016 - DJ Drama 08/08/2016 Views: 327

An obnoxious American drums up support for U.S. athletes and discusses the significance of weird white guys in Rio de Janeiro's bathrooms. (5:18)

Welcome back.

Uh... it's now timefor The Nightly Show coverage

of the 2016 Olympic gamesin Rio.

This is a toilet.

(chuckling):Oh, my God.

Uh... well, so far, the Olympics

have had something for everyone.

There is the greased-up Tongan,uh, which also...

-(audience whoops)-...yeah, happens to be

the most searched phrase

on Craigslist casual encounters.

Uh, there was a kayakerallegedly hit

by a floating couch on Rio'sfamed garbage river,

uh, did you see that?

The world's most famousstraight-line walker

walking in a straight lineand...


Michael Phelps lookinglike a human twister mat.

Did you see those?

And now if you're wonderingwhy we showed pictures

from the Olympicsinstead of footage,

it's becausewe're not allowed to.

This is true.

In fact, the InternationalOlympics Committee

won't even allow usto show the Olympic rings.

So, for the restof our coverage,

we'll be showing this logo

that our graphics department's done.

Kind of made from onion rings.


Hey, man, that's how we do it.

Come and sue us,

you IOC bloodsuckers.

But one of the great things

about the Olympics is that

it brings all these, like,countries together.

And joining us nowwith an American perspective

on the Olympics is typicalAmerican, Tank Mancusso,

live from Brazil.

(cheers and applause)

What's up, Larry?

So, uh...

So-so, Tank, how are youenjoying the Olympics so far?

Larry, it's friggin' awesome!

I'm telling you.I'm not lying, dude.

It's just what America needsto take our minds

off these presidentialelections, you know?

I'll tell you what, all right?

Our athletes are makingAmerica great again

by beating the hellout of other countries.

That's what we're doing,all right?

You know what this is like,Larry?

This is like the Vietnam Warall over again!

We just come hereand friggin' dominate, baby.


-Uh...-That's how we do!

Yeah. I'm not sure that'sthe best example, um.

-All right, so, so, Tank...-Feels like the best one,

-but whatever.-Okay. All right.

So, Tank, what's your favoritestory of the Olympics so far?

You know, for me, it's gotto be the fact that, uh,

an all-refugee teamis competing in the games.

That's awesome, man.

Wow, you just won the gold medalin boring with that.

Jesus Christ.

What about the 41-year-old womanfrom Uzbekistan

who, uh, who's competingin her seventh Olympics,

making her the oldest femalegymnast ever, huh?

All right. Larry, let's...

-Yeah.-Let's be honest.

-Let's be honest.-That's pretty cool.

(cheers and applause)

Are you sure, you know,

are you sure that lady'sreally 41 years old,

or is she just likean Uzbeki 22?

You know what I mean?

No, Larry, you know,

-it's hard living over there,Larry. -What?

There's no dentists.

It's like Lord of the Rings over there, Larry,

-I'm telling you.-Yeah, but...

Those people, they don't know.

Yeah. That's why it'san inspiring story,

because-because they have itso rough!

Yeah, yeah.

It's inspiring meto turn the channel.

Right? Come on!

That's a good friggin' joke!



-AUDIENCE: U-S-A!-That's right.

-Yeah, right. -I hear them,I hear them from here in Brazil.

-I hear them.-Is that, is that a turkey leg?

Yeah, man.

They got a friggin' killerBoston Market over here, dude.


You know, hey, like,when in Rome, right, Larry?

-When in Rome?-No.

-(laughing): When in Rome!-Yeah.

Boston Market's from here!

That's not "when in Rome"!

You went all the way to Braziland that's what you get

is Boston Market?

A little gamey,a little gamey.

-Look, Larry.-What?


They've got the best friggin'food over here, man.

I'm not lying, dude.

Besides Boston Market,

they got Bubba Gump's...I mean, hello?

They got Arby's,and they got "Chipotel's."

So boom.


Those-those...I think you mean Chipotle.

-Whatever.-Those are...

Those are all American places.

Not "Chipotel's," dude.

That's Mexican.That's from here.

-No, it's not.-That's from here.

-(applause)-It's not.

Okay, you know what?

Not everything has to beabout America,

-What?-for Christ's sakes.

I mean, you have sucha great opportunity

to just take in some differentcultures and stories.

There's nothing wrong withrooting for our country,

USA, USA, yes,

but isn't there anything you cantake away that isn't American?

Well, actually, you know what?

-I'm not gonna lie,I've got one story. -Okay.

It's a bit of a heart warmer,so brace yourself.

-All right.-I'm going right now.

All right, so the other day,I'm in a bathroom, right?

All right.

And there's a guy in there,you know,

but he's a white guy,but he's like weird-white,

you know,like Eastern European white.

You know what I mean?

Like,he's got stone-washed jeans.

-Looks kind of likeDolph Lundgren, -Okay, I get it.

-or something.-I get it, I get it, I get it.

Like, foreheads big, you know,a weird-white.

-Anyway.-What happened?

So, uh, we're in the bathroom,right?

We're taking a whiznext to each other,

which is, you know,what happens, right?

And I'm thinking, man, like,this guy's like East Berlin

over here, you know what I mean?

And I'm American,

and it was just great, you know,'cause it's like, man,

this is what the Olympicsis all about, right?

I mean, 70 years ago,me and this guy's grandpa

are trying to kill each other,

and here we are, just two guys,

taking a hot whiz right nextto each other.

Huh? Come on.


That is beautiful.

-That's it?-It's a good story.

Your-your hot whiz story is--that's...

That's-that's your biggesttakeaway from the Olympics?

-That you were whizzing...-Whatever. It's better...

-Hot whizzing next to...-Better than an old lady,

or whatever. Who cares? to a weird white guy,right?

Wait, did I not mentionthe Boston Market over here?

Come on, man!

So they do this crazyforeign thing

where they mix rice and beans,

and it countsas one friggin' side.

How cool is that?

-Total culture shock.-All right.

-Tank Mancusso,-Total cultural shock.

obsessed American, everybody.

We'll be right back.

You're missing the whole point.