Jim Gaffigan - Hot Pocket!

Beyond the Pale Season 1, Ep 101 04/01/2008 Views: 385,897

Even though Jim Gaffigan often indulges in a Hot Pocket dinner, he never feels good about it afterwards. (2:50)

A LITTLE SLOW TONIGHT.

I HAD A HOT POCKET FOR DINNER.

>> Audience: (cheering)

>> Jim: GOOD TO SEE I'M NOT

THE ONLY WHITE TRASH HERE.

I BUY THE HOT POCKETS.

I GO IN GROCERY STORES,

I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, I'LL GET THESE."

I'VE NEVER EATEN A HOT POCKET

AND THEN AFTERWARDS BEEN,

"I'M GLAD I ATE THAT."

I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"I'M GONNA DIE!

I PAID FOR THAT?

DID I EAT IT

OR RUB IT ON MY FACE?

MY BACK HURTS.

OW."

I WAS LOOKING

AT A BOX OF HOT POCKETS.

THEY HAVE A WARNING PRINTED

ON THE SIDE.

IT'S LIKE, "WARNING--

YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS.

HOPE YOU'RE DRUNK

OR HEADING HOME TO A TRAILER.

YOU HILLBILLY,

ENJOY THE NEXT NASCAR EVENT."

♪ HOT POCKET

>> Jim: "I LIKE NASCAR.

HE'S A JERK."

YOU NEVER REALLY SEE THAT

ON A MENU WHEN YOU GO OUT

TO DINNER, YOU KNOW.

"LET'S SEE,

I'LL HAVE THE CAESAR SALAD

AND THE HOT POCKET."

"UH, TONIGHT'S SPECIALS--

WE HAVE A SEA BASS,

WHICH IS BROILED,

AND WE HAVE A HOT POCKET,

WHICH IS COOKED

IN A DIRTY MICROWAVE.

AND THAT COMES WITH

A SIDE OF PEPTO."

"IS YOUR HOT POCKET

COLD IN THE MIDDLE?"

"IT'S FROZEN.

BUT IT CAN BE SERVED

BOILING LAVA HOT."

"WILL IT BURN MY MOUTH?"

"IT'LL DESTROY YOUR MOUTH.

EVERYTHING WILL TASTE

LIKE RUBBER FOR A MONTH."

"I'LL HAVE THE HOT POCKET."

♪ HOT POCKET

HOT POCKETS, YEAH.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND

THAT LONG, LIKE, TEN YEARS.

HOW'D THEY COME UP WITH THAT?

WAS THERE SOME GUY

IN A MARKETING MEETING LIKE,

"HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT WE FILL A POP-TART

WITH NASTY MEAT?

AND YOU COULD COOK IT

IN A SLEEVE THING.

YOU COULD DUNK IT

IN THE TOILET."

(whispers) HE'S WEIRD.

(normal voice) THERE IS

THE VEGETARIAN HOT POCKET,

FOR THOSE OF US THAT

DON'T WANT TO EAT MEAT

BUT STILL WOULD LIKE DIARRHEA.

♪ HOT POCKET

IT SHOULD JUST COME WITH

A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.

♪ DIARRHEA POCKET

YOU EVER NOTICE

THERE'S NO DIGNIFIED WAY

TO BUY TOILET PAPER?

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY IT

IN THAT MULTI-PACK,

LIKE, 18 ROLLS.

STICK IT IN YOUR CART--

EVERYONE IN THE STORE IS LIKE,

"DOES THAT GUY EVER LEAVE

THE BATHROOM?

WHAT, IS HE LIVING

OFF OF HOT POCKETS?"

♪ HOT POCKET