Pete Holmes - Adults Eating Candy

  • Season 14 , Ep 4
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 32,030

Being a grown ass person and eating silly candies are two things that are at odds with each other. (2:18)

I DON'T TRUST ADULTSWHO EAT CANDY.

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGSTO TALK ABOUT.

I WAS RECENTLY ON A FLIGHTHERE IN NEW YORK.

WE LAND AT LaGUARDIA.

THIS WOMAN HAD TO BE 65IN MY ROW.

TO CELEBRATE LANDING, TOOK OUTA THING OF WILD BERRY SKITTLES.

AND SHE'S LIKE, "OH, YEAH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MAMA DID GOOD TODAY," YOU KNOW?

IT IMMEDIATELY POPS UPON MY RADAR. IT DOESN'T MIX!

BEING A GROWN-ASS PERSONAND EATING SILLY CANDIES --

THOSE THINGS ARE AT ODDSWITH EACH OTHER.

MY FATHER HAS GROWN-ASS FRIENDS,55-, 60-YEAR-OLD GUYS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING TO MELIKE, "HEY, PETE.

"PETE, YOU EVER THINK ABOUTREAL ESTATE, MAN?

"THAT'S HOW I MADE MY FORTUNEWHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

"YEAH. NOW IS THE TIMETO INVEST, TOO.

"PRIME IS LOW.

THINK ABOUT IT."

ATOMIC FIREBALL.WHAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

STOP THAT!YOU'RE A GROWN MAN!

I'M GONNA CHASE YOUWITH A BROOM.

OR WEARING A CANDY NECKLACE,LIKE, "17 IS A HARD AGE.

"YOU GOT TO GIVE THEMDISCIPLINE.

"IF YOU THINKYOU'RE BEING HARD ON THEM,

YOU'RE GIVING THEMWHAT THEY NEED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LOOK AT MY JEANIE.SHE WASN'T ALWAYS THAT WAY."

OPENING A THING OF FUN DIP,LIKE, "MARRIAGE IS HARD, MAN."

"IT'S HARD.

"IT'S NOT 50/50.IT'S 100/100.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU GOT TO RECOMMITTO THAT PERSON EVERY DAY.

"SHE'S MY FRIEND,BUT SHE'S ALSO MY LOVER.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"RAISES THE KIDS,

"BUT KEEP THAT STUFFOUT OF THE BEDROOM.

ANGELS AND WHORES, MAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YEAH, I'VE BEEN TEMPTED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MOSTLY EMOTIONAL STUFF.NOTHING PHYSICAL.

"THERE WAS A WOMAN AT WORK --CATHERINE.

SHE JUST CONNECTED WITH ME INA WAY THAT MEREDITH NEVER DID."

"WE'D GO TO LUNCH.

"WE'D WRITE IT OFFAND SAY IT WAS FOR BUSINESS,

BUT...SHE SAW A HOLE IN ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IT WAS RIGHT AFTERTHE MISCARRIAGE. I..."

RING POP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE JOKE IS DOING ITAS LONG AS I CAN.

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