Tommy Johnagin - Car Accidents

South Beach Comedy Festival 2008 Season 1, Ep 2 01/24/2008 Views: 5,979

I love driving with grandpa. We go to Dairy Queen and take the detour through Ace Hardware. (1:52)

-I got a cousin that justgot in a car accident.

He was driving histruck, he flipped it,

he was thrown from the vehicle.

He was thrown so far andhigh, when he landed,

he hit the ground,and his thing popped.

True story, didn't evenknow it could happen.

And secondly, how wasthat not the slogan

for wear your seat belt?

Click it or ticketrhymes, yeah, but click it

or your penis will explodereally drives home the point.

You throw that up on abillboard, guess what?

I'm going to click it, yeah.

Not gonna ask ifthere's a fine involved.

I'm gonna ask for anotherseat belt most likely

and a five point harness orthe roll cage and a helmet,

like a tiny penis helmet.

A full faced onetoo, not the kind

that killed Dale Earnhardt.

I want some real protection.

Ever since I happen to mycousin, when I get in the car

I put a Ziploc baggyaround the goodness.

Because if it does pop,I want it all contained.

I don't need somedoctor fumbling

around looking fora corner piece,

trying to use skin from my butt.

No, I will not sign that.

My grandparents got ina car accident recently.

It wasn't as bad, itwas a small fender

bender with a beauty salon.

Swear to God, theyhit a building.

My grandpa's like,let's let the insurance

company decide who's at fault.

I think we know, yeah.

It didn't start outin front of you.

It had been there for 32 years.

-He said what happened wasthat the car was in park,

but it was in drive.

He went to hit the brakes,but he hit the gas,

and then his foot went numb.

Holy baloney, wasthere also a tornado?

Just say, I'm old, I'll drivewherever the hell I want.

That building wasn'tthere when I started.

I fought in a war.

-My family wantshim to stop driving.

I want him to driveeverywhere I go.

Hey, I'm going to go toDairy Queen with Grandpa,

we're going to take thatshortcut through Ace Hardware.