Exclusive - David Spade - Performing for the President

David Spade: My Fake Problems Season 1, Ep 101 05/04/2014 Views: 6,412

David Spade learned a terrifying bit of information right before he performed for the president. (3:14)

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IT'S SCARY TO DO A SHOW.PEOPLE ARE HERE.

I DON'T GET SCARED THAT MUCH,

BUT I DID DO A SHOWFOR THE PRESIDENT

A LITTLE WHILE BACK,LIKE, UH...

[cheers and applause]

BUSH.WELL, IT WAS BUSH.

[screeches]

BUSH 43.SECOND ONE.

SECOND ONE.

HE WAS, UH, A PRESIDENT.

GOOGLE IT.

IT WAS A WHILE BACK,BUT THEY--

IT WAS FOR SOME FOURTH OF JULYSPECTACULAR,

SOMETHING STUPID.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN JON BENET THEREIN THE OLD DAYS, LIKE...

♪ I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DAN--

YEAH.

BUT IT WAS ME AND LIKE,DESTINY'S CHILD.

IT WAS THIS STUPID, YOU KNOW,FIREWORKS, AND THEN I'M LIKE--

AND THE PRESIDENT'SRIGHT THERE.

SO I GOT SCARED BECAUSE I'DNEVER BEEN

ON FOR A PRESIDENT,AND HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME,

AND IT'S AT THE FORD THEATRE,

WHERE SOMEONE GOTPICKED OFF.

DO YOU KNOW THIS?

WHO WAS IT?

- ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

- LINCOLN, YEAH.

NOT FORD.

THEY WOULDN'T CALL ITTHE FORD THEATRE

IF FORD GOT SHOT,I DON'T THINK.

MAYBE.BUT EVEN WITH LINCOLN, LIKE,

ARE YOU STILLHOLDING GIGS THERE?

I MEAN, THE PRESIDENTMUST BE LIKE,

"THEY WOULD NEVER DO IT TWICE,"YOU KNOW.

THAT'S REALLY BALLSY.

SO I'M THERE,AND I GO TO GO ON,

AND I'M BACKSTAGE,AND IT'S SCARY,

'CAUSE I GIVE THE SECRET SERVICEMY SET LIST.

THEY HAVE TO VET IT,YOU KNOW.

THEY HAVE TO SEE IF I'M GOOD.

THEY GOT RID OF EVERYTHINGIN MY SET LIST.

THEY GO, "NO AL-QAEDA JOKES."

I'M LIKE, "WHA--"

"NO SHOE BOMBER."

I'M LIKE,"THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF."

SO I'M DOWN TO, LIKE,THREE MINUTES.

SO IT'S--YOU KNOW, EN VOGUE ISABOUT TO GO OUT.

SO THEY OPEN THE BACK,AND IT'S FREEZING OUT.

SO I START TO SHAKEA LITTLE BIT.

AND I'M ABOUT TO GO ON,SO I'M ALREADY NERVOUS.

AND THEN THIS GUYWHO MIGHT NOT EVEN WORK THERE

STANDS NEXT TO ME,AND HE GOES,

"I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TELLYOU THIS,

'CAUSE YOU'RE ABOUTTO GO ON."

I GO, "OKAY."

THEN HE GOES, "YOU KNOW,WHENEVER YOU'RE ON IN FRONT

"OF THE PRESIDENTTHIS CLOSE,

YOU WILL BE UNDER A SNIPER'SSCOPE AT ALL TIMES."

I GO...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

HE GOES, "THERE'S A GUYUP THERE

WITH A GUN TRAINED ON YOUAT ALL TIMES,"

AND HE GOES,"IN CASE YOU MAKE A MOVE

TO THE PRESIDENT,HE HAS TO TAKE YOU OUT."

AND I GO, "WELL, THAT'S NOTWHAT I'M DOING.

THAT'S NOT THE PLAN."

HE GOES, "NO, NO,IT DOESN'T MATTER.

JUST IN CASE, HE HAS TO BLOWYOUR BRAINS OUT."

I GO, "NO, NO,I GET WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT--BUT ON ME,WHEN I GO OUT THERE?"

AND HE GOES, "YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I PROBABLY SHOULDN'THAVE SAID--"

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"THREE, TWO--"

AND I GO--

SO I GO OUT,AND I'M LIKE THIS.

YOU COULD TELL HE'S GOINGFOR, LIKE, BODY, HEAD.

AND THEN, ANY JOKE,I DON'T WANT TO INCH THIS WAY,

BECAUSE I'M NOT--I DON'T WANTTO MAKE A MOVE, YOU KNOW.

SO I STAY WAY BACKTO THE WALL.

IT'S PLASTERED--'CAUSE I DON'TWANT TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

"HEY, I WAS AT COSTCO,"YOU KNOW, AND HIM GO, "HUH!"

[imitates gun firing]

YOU KNOW.

BECAUSE THAT GUY'S UP THERE,AND I LOOK.

I JUST GLANCEUP IN THE BALCONY

AND SEE THE HATGO LIKE THIS.

[squeals]HE'S LIKE--

[clicking]

PAINT.

WALKING WITH ME.

SCARY.