Doug Stanhope - Transvestite Prostitute Pt. 1

  • Season 5 , Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 5,975

At these prices, a transvestite prostitute could certainly pass for a girl. (2:26)

A TRANSVESTITE PROSTITUTE ONCE.

THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU GUYS?

ALL OF YOU?

REALLY?

HERE'S MY STORY...

(LAUGHTER)

SEE, I'LL HAVE THEM DO A

CUT-AWAY OF YOU CLAPPING

AND GOING...

YEAH, FROM ANOTHER TIME

IN THE SHOW AND IT'LL LOOK LIKE

YOU GOT ROLLED BY A

TRANSVESTITE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DID, THOUGH, IT WAS LIKE,

9 YEARS AGO AND I LIVED IN

PHOENIX AND JUST STARTED DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY AND ME

AND MY BUDDY, MATT--

AND I ALWAYS USE HIS FULL NAME

WHEN I TELL THIS STORY,

MATT BECKER.

WE USED TO GO OUT AND WE'D

CRUISE ALL THE SKANKY HOOKERS

DOWN ON VAN BUREN--

WAS THE STREET--

LIKE, WE WEREN'T BUYING,

BUT WE'D GET ALL LIQUORED UP

AND NO ONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH

US, SO WE'D GO TAKE IT OUT

ON THEM, AND YELL STUFF OUT

THE WINDOW AND BE IDIOTS

AND WHATNOT.

BUT ONE NIGHT WE'RE BANGING

A U-TURN ON VAN BUREN IN FRONT

OF WHAT HAD TO HAVE BEEN THE

UGLIEST PROSTITUTE WE'D EVER

SEEN IN OUR LIVES, SO WE HAD

TO SLOW DOWN AND LOOK,

AND AS SOON AS WE SLOWED THE CAR

DOWN, SHE JUMPED RIGHT

FOR THE DOOR, SHE DIDN'T ASK

ANY QUESTIONS, SHE JUST PUSHED

HER WAY IN.

SHE HAD SOME "OPENING

PRESENTATION" WHERE SHE HAD

A GUN, OR SOMEONE HAD A GUN,

YOU KNOW, HURRY UP AND DRIVE...

ALL I KNOW IS THAT WERE SCARED

TO DEATH AND WE STARTED DRIVING

AND SHE TURNS TO ME AND MATT

AND SHE GOES, "I'LL SUCK BOTH

YOUR (BLEEP) FOR $15!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN SHE FIRST GOT

IN THE CAR, WE MAY OR MAY NOT

HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY A

GUY.

BUT $15?

LOOKS LIKE A GIRL TO ME!

LOOK LIKE A GIRL TO YOU?

WHAT A LOVELY YOUNG LADY

WE HAVE HERE!

AND BEFORE I COULD EVEN ANSWER

HER, SHE PULLED OUT MY LUNCHES

AND STARTED GOING TO WORK--

WHICH IS A GOOD WAY TO CLOSE

A DEAL IN ANY LINE OF WORK--

REALLY, THAT SPELLS "SOLD"

NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE DOING

FOR A LIVING.

SO, I GIVE HER THE $15 OUT OF

MY POCKET AND SHE TAKES US DOWN

ALL THESE LITTLE SIDE STREETS,

WE GET TO A DEAD-END, WE'RE IN

THIS DARK RESIDENTIAL AREA,

IT'S PITCH BLACK OUTSIDE,

AND WE PULL OVER AND WE'RE IN A

JEEP, SO I'M HAVING TO SIT UP IN

THE HUMP OF THE JEEP, IN BETWEEN

THE SEATS, MATT'S SITTING RIGHT

HERE WAITIN' HIS TURN,

SHE'S GOING TO TOWN AND ME

AND MATT ARE JUST TRYING NOT TO

LAUGH.

'CAUSE ANY TIME YOU'RE, YOU'RE,

YOU'RE GETTING A (BLEEP) THAT

CLOSE TO YOUR BEST FRIEND,

THE TENDENCY IS TO CHUCKLE

A LITTLE BIT, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

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