John Heffron - Getting Older

  • Season 8, Ep 1
  • 01/29/2004
  • Views: 7,406

Tums replace condoms as you get older. (3:21)

John Heffron: I'M IN MY 30s NOW.

BEING IN YOUR 30s, THAT'S NOT

OLD BY ANY MEANS.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YA.

I'M ALREADY STARTING TO NOTICE

THAT I'M DOING OLD GUY STUFF.

LIKE I GOT TUMS IN MY POCKET

FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO CARRY CONDOMS.

BUT I KNOW I GOTTA BETTER CHANCE

OF GETTING A STOMACHACHE THAN

GETTING LAID.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA TELL YOU, TOO, I DON'T

HAVE RECOVERY TIME ANYMORE.

LIKE TONIGHT I WANT TO GO, COOL,

I'M GOING TO CELEBRATE.

I WANT TO GO OUT AND BOOZE

IT UP.

I'M GOING TO POUR OUT OF A BAR.

THAT'S THE YOUNGER GUY WHO

THINKS HE'S IN HIS 20s TALKING.

BUT THEN THE OVER 30 GUY

KICKS IN.

"REALLY?

DO YOU HAVE THREE DAYS OF LAYING

AROUND TIME FOR THE TWO HOURS

OF DRINKING?

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH OATMEAL AT

HOME TO HELP DETOX YOUR BLOOD?

DO YOU HAVE THE MILK THISTLE

FOR YOUR LIVER, BIG SHOTS?"

I DON'T HAVE A RECOVERY TIME

ANYMORE.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I DIDN'T NEED

A RECOVERY TIME.

REMEMBER AS A KID YOU COULD DO

WHATEVER YOU WANTED TO YOUR BODY

AND NEVER GOT HURT.

REMEMBER SLIDING DOWN THE STAIRS

IN A CLOTHESBASKET WAS SAFE.

[LAUGHTER]

NEVER GOT HURT, DID YA?

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS OVER 30

GO TRY THAT TONIGHT AND LET ME

KNOW HOW IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

I GUARANTEE YOU'LL BE CALLING

YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE.

"YEAH, AH, YOU GUYS COVER

CLOTHESBASKET ACCIDENTS?"

[LAUGHTER]

SLIDING DOWN THE STAIRS

AND HIT A BUNCH OF TOWELS ON THE

FIRST STEP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NEVER GOT HURT AS A KID.

YOU FALL OFF YOUR BIKE,

RIP A HOLE IN YOUR ARM,

AND JUST WATCH IT HEAL RIGHT IN

FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM KNEW WE ALWAYS TRIED TO

GET HURT BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE'RE

KIDS.

NOTHING GOOD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN

WHEN ONE KID SAYS TO THE OTHER,

"HEY, LET'S BUILD A RAMP."

AND MY MOM WOULD ALWAYS TRY

TO BUY A SAFE TOY SO WE WOULDN'T

HURT EACH OTHER.

BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THAT'S

DUMB.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT ANY KID

COULD TURN ANY TOY INTO A

WEAPON.

THE BEST WEAPON?

THE BEST WEAPON YOU COULD

EVER HAVE, BEATING UP A BROTHER

OR SISTER GROWING UP WAS THE BIG

LONG WRAPPING PAPER TUBE THING.

REMEMBER THAT?

THE BIG LONG CARDBOARD TUBE

THING.

THAT WAS THE BEST THING TO BEAT

UP BROTHERS AND SISTERS WITH.

LOVED IT.

BECAUSE IT STARTED OFF AS A BIG

LONG STAFF AND YOU COULD JUST

START SMACKING PEOPLE WITH IT.

THEN THE MIDDLE PART WOULD GET

ALL BUSTED UP.

THEN THE ENDS ARE STILL FINE.

THEN YOU HAD NUMB CHUCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WITH

THAT TUBE THOUGH, BEFORE WE

STARTED HITTING PEOPLE,

WAS TO WALK BY OUR FAMILY DOG

WHO WAS JUST LAYING THERE

SLEEPING.

STICK THE TUBE RIGHT BY THE

DOG'S FACE.

[MUFFLED SINGING, NOISES]

DOG WOULD ALWAYS WAKE UP,

"WHAT THE [BLEEP]?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, GET THE TUBE OUT OF MY

FACE!

STICK THAT TUBE IN MY FACE ONE

MORE TIME I'M GOING TO EAT EVERY

ONE OF YOUR STAR WARS FIGURES.

NOW I'M GOING TO GO OVER HERE,

LICK MY ASS AND GO BACK TO

SLEEP.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU COME BY WITH THE TUBE,

I'LL BE CRAPPING OUT CHEWBACCA

IN 15 MINUTES."

[LAUGHTER]

MY DOG WOULD ALWAYS HAVE THE

LAST LAUGH THOUGH.

ANYTIME I WAS LATE FOR CURFEW.

I'D ALWAYS PUT MY CAR INTO

NEUTRAL.

THEN TURN OFF THE ENGINE.

THAT WAY YOUR CAR'S IN STEALTH

MODE.

RIGHT?

COASTED INTO THE DRIVEWAY.

UNDETECTED.

GET OUT OF THE CAR.

ALMOST MAKE IT TO MY BEDROOM

DOOR, UNDETECTED.

AND THAT'S USUALLY WHEN THE DOG

WOULD TURN THE CORNER.

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YEAH, I GUESS BARKING RIGHT NOW

WOULD KINDA SUCK, WOULDN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, DO-DO-DO, NOT SO FUNNY

NOW, IS IT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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