let's talkabout some of the things
that Trump has actuallytaken action on already.
Since swearing in,
Trump has signed a flurryof executive orders.
And I know "Executive Orders"
sounds like a great titlefor a movie,
probably with Steven Seagalin it, you know? Just like,
(like Seagal): I'm issuinga new executive order...
with my fist.
It's to increase fundingfor fist cancer.
We'll find a cure soon,Mr. Punch.
A lot of people thinkthat signing these orders
means Trump is making up newlaws, but that's not true.
You see, the president hasthe authority to interpret
and enforce existing laws.
For example, Obama used theexisting presidential power
to hire federal employeesto raise their minimum wage,
because he knew they were soonall gonna be unemployed,
so that's why he did that.
Now, since being inauguratedon Friday,
and, yes, it's only beenfive days, people,
I know it feels like five yearsbut it's five days,
Trump has signed abouta dozen executive orders,
which is a lot, but some of themdon't mean anything.
TV REPORTER: Yesterday the paperwork was filed for one
of the president's first acts in office,
declaring his inauguration day
as the National Day of Patriotic Devotion.
"In order to strengthen our bonds to each other,
"and to our country, and to renew the duties
of government to the people."
Trump made his own inauguration
a day of patriotic devotion?
Thanks, Donald Trump.
You realize that for the restof us, it's like being forced
to celebrate the anniversary ofthe first time we tried anal.
That's basicallywhat you've done.
-That's basically whatyou've done. -(laughter)
I want us to rememberthis every year.
Happy anal-versary, people.
The executive orders that havegotten the most attention
are the ones from Trump'sgreatest hits.
For example, the wall.
Moments ago President Trumpsigning an executive order
to begin building the wallon the southern border.
So badly needed.
You folks know how badly neededit is.
I know that sounds like,you know,
"Oh, (bleep), Donald Trumpdid it, he built the wall."
But all he did was signa piece of paper.
Which is normally how Trumpgets things built.
Signs it, the people build it.
But in this casehe still needs Congress
to allocate the money for it.
So basically this is like
when a kid makes one of theirChristmas lists.
You can ask Santa for a pony,
but unless your parents go spendmoney at the pony store,
your ass ain't gettinga baby horse.
Now, now, obviously there aresome executive orders
that are more seriousthan Devotion Day,
and more immediatethan the wall.
President Trump tryingto crack down
on so-called sanctuary cities,
which harborundocumented immigrants,
essentially saying that he willwithhold federal grants
and federal fundingfrom those cities.
TV REPORTER: This is a big one that's going to affect
a lot of cities like New York, San Francisco,
Los Angeles, Chicago and others.
That is (bleep) insane.
Trump is basicallyblackmailing cities
to make them hand overundocumented people.
Like, the one reason for hopein all of this
is that this executive order
arguably violatesthe 10th Amendment,
which says thatall the power not given
to the federal governmentgoes to the states.
So you can't force a state to dothe federal government's job.
Which is something Trumpwould know
if he watched Hamilton.
You can't send Pencein your place.
-He can't rap it back to you.-(cheering and applause)
It's just not the same.
So there are a few hurdles, youknow, Trump's executive orders
are gonna have to get overbefore they go into effect.
Unfortunately, not all of them.
TV REPORTER: Reports the president's
broader proposed immigration plan
that includes at least a four month halt
on all refugee admissions,
and a temporary ban on people
coming from some Muslim majority countries
that could include Iran, Iraq,
Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen.
He did it, people.
This is the Muslim ban.
I mean, I know it's not calledthe Muslim ban,
but this is the Muslim ban.
When you say it like that,it sounds like a song.
♪ Do you know the Muslim ban?
♪ The Muslim ban.
Like, they say it's nota Muslim ban, but it is.
Like, he's just banningimmigration from countries
that just happen to almostentirely be Muslim.
It's like if insteadof banning black people,
Trump banned peoplewho use cocoa butter.
It's only a certain groupthat are being excluded.
Now you've probably noticedthat these executive orders
would mostly affect peoplefrom outside the U.S.,
but before you feel left out,don't stress.
Trump's got you covered.
REPORTER: The president also signed one to speed up
the environmental review process
for high-priority infrastructure projects.
REPORTER 2: He signed executive actions to revive construction
of the Keystone XL oil pipeline and the Dakota Access Pipeline,
both of which had been stopped by the Obama administration.
Trump's just madat Native Americans
because they're betterat casinos than him.
-(cheering, applause)-That is just petty, man.
Oh, oh, and... oh,and speaking of being petty,
can we just enjoy for a moment
how Trump doesn't seem to know
what any of these executiveorders are actually about.
Just watch himwhen he reads them--
he looks like the bully in classon book report day,
who obviouslydidn't read the book.
This is with respectto the construction
of the Dakota Access...
Dakota Access Pipeline.
It's exactly... it's exactlylike a book report.
This is the story of... Beowulf.
Shut up, Mikey,I'll punch you in the face.
Shut up. Stop laughing.
So, look, I understand--seeing Donald Trump
sign, like, a dozen executiveorders in less than a week
may make it seem likehe's getting (bleep) done.
But don't forget, whetheryou support the mango in chief
or oppose him...
remember, just becauseyou signed an executive order
doesn't meanit's going to get done.
Because Obama's gone,
but Guantanamo is still here.