Carlos Alazraqui - Senior Citizens

  • Season 8 , Ep 10
  • 02/26/2004
  • Views: 2,802

Senior citizens should not drive in big cities. (2:57)

Carlos Alazraqui: I HAVE BEEN

IN NEW YORK FOR FOUR DAYS AND

I AM SURPRISED THAT PEOPLE

HAVE NOT GOTTEN OUT OF THEIR

CARS AND KILLED EACH OTHER.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DRIVE HERE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW ABOUT DRIVES IN

ANY MAJOR METROPOLIS ANYMORE.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU THROW--

I LOVE SENIOR CITIZENS--

YOU CAN'T REALLY THROW 'EM INTO

THE MIX OF A MAJOR METROPOLIS

DRIVING.

"OH."

THAT'S LIKE MIXING THE SPECIAL

OLYMPICS WITH THE REAL OLYMPICS.

IT DOESN'T WORK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

COME ON.

"I'M A REAL FAST RUNNER."

"NO, GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

[LAUGHTER]

I HATE IT--

I CAN'T--

I'M IN L.A., I'M STUCK--

ALWAYS STUCK BEHIND SOME OLD

LADY IN A BRAND NEW CADILLAC.

"OH, OH, OH."

THE 32 VALVE NORTH STAR ENGINE,

USE ONE VALVE, GO.

"OH, OH, OH."

YOU COULD STEER THAT WITH A

WHISKER IN YOUR CHIN.

GO.

"OH, OH, OH."

I AM A LATINO, IF YOU WANT TO

CALL ME ONE AND MY PARENTS ARE

FROM BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA.

MY BROTHER IS UP THERE IN THE

AUDIENCE AND HE'S A WHITE

LOOKING GUY TOO SO DON'T EVEN

LOOK.

WHERE'S THE DARK--

WHERE'S THE DARK GUY?

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN OUR FAMILY.

ARGENTINEANS DON'T REALLY HAVE

A PLACE IN AMERICA.

THE REST OF THE LATINOS HAVE

THEIR GROUPS.

THE PUERTO RICANS HAVE NEW YORK.

THE CUBANS HAVE MIAMI.

THE MEXICANS HAVE CALIFORNIA

AND ARIZONA.

THE ARGENTINEANS ARE GOING,

"HEY, CAN WE PLAY WITH YOU

GUYS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF, HUERO?

YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS ARE FROM

ARGENTINA LIKE I SAID FROM

BUENOS AIRES.

MY DAD WENT TO BRITISH SCHOOLS.

WHEN HE GREW UP--

HE'S VERY BRITISH.

VERY MELLOW, VERY SUBDUED.

MY MOM IS A FREAKING LATINA

MISSILE SHOT OUT OF A CANNON

EVERY MORNING, "I LOVE YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO CONFUSING GROWING UP LIKE

BEING RAISED BY CHARO AND

GANDHI.

IT'S LIKE, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

"WE WILL WALK TO THE LIKE OF

SALT AND WE WILL DANCE OUR

BALLS OFF, KOOTCHIE KOOTCHIE."

[LAUGHTER]

BDT-DING!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS-- YOU KNOW, MY NAME IS

CARLOS JAMIE ALAZRAQUI, THAT'S

HOW YOU REALLY SAY MY NAME.

[TRILLING TONGUE] CARLOS.

BUT I GREW UP IN THE WHITE

SUBURBS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.

I WAS NEVER CARLOS I WAS

ALWAYS...

[SURFER DRAWL] CARLOS.

[LAUGHTER]

"WHAT'S UP, CARLOS, MAN?"

"YOU GONNA BE ON THE SWIM TEAM

THIS YEAR, CARLOS?"

"HOW'S YOUR PAPER ROUTE,

CARLOS?"

I WAS ALWAYS CARLOS TILL I WENT

TO COLLEGE AND NEEDED FINANCIAL

AID THEN I WAS CARLOS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SI, YO NECESITO DINERO PARA

MIS LIBROS.

AY, POPPIE.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE WHAT'S,

"AY, POPPIE?"

"THAT'S A 24 HOUR PANCAKE

HOUSE, DUDE."

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