Here I go.
Um, boy, thank youfolks for coming out.
I'm Jake, and this is"Two Drink Minimum."
And I've neverhosted a show before,
but it's gotta be kind of like--I mean that welcome you gave
me-- it's kind of likehaving your own cult.
Um I think-- you know, I neverreally wanted my own cult
until I found out aboutall the perks, you know?
Evidently, if you'rethe cult leader
you can have sex withany of the cult members.
And they do, while the othermembers have to mow the lawn
and wash the dog.
The cult dog-- you'dhave a cult dog.
(SCARY VOICE) Remember,god is dog backwards.
Now wash him and vacuumthis compound, what ,
were you indoctrinatedin a barn?
So I'd kind of like to-- andthey have to do it, you know,
because God told youto tell them to do it.
Or better-- eliminate themiddleman-- because you're god.
My problem-- my problem is Ineed some kind of a miracle
to convince people that I'm God.
I suppose-- you know, youcan go to a primitive country
with a Bic lighter anda couple of thermoses
and-- this one keepshot things hot,
and this one keepscold things cold.
But, yeah-- thosepeople-- you really
don't want to havesex with them, anyway.
And then the other thing isanybody who would buy one
of my magic tricks asa miracle is probably
too stupid to wantto have sex with.
You know what I'm talking about?
And all four jackscome to the top.
Now take off your clothes!
Our first comedian did notfall for the four jacks trick.