Jake Johannsen - Cult Leader

Season 2, 05/26/1993 Views: 1,922

It's much better to be the cult leader than the cult follower. (1:49)

Here I go.

Um, boy, thank youfolks for coming out.

I'm Jake, and this is"Two Drink Minimum."

And I've neverhosted a show before,

but it's gotta be kind of like--I mean that welcome you gave

me-- it's kind of likehaving your own cult.

Um I think-- you know, I neverreally wanted my own cult

until I found out aboutall the perks, you know?

Evidently, if you'rethe cult leader

you can have sex withany of the cult members.

And they do, while the othermembers have to mow the lawn

and wash the dog.

The cult dog-- you'dhave a cult dog.

(SCARY VOICE) Remember,god is dog backwards.

Now wash him and vacuumthis compound, what ,

were you indoctrinatedin a barn?

So I'd kind of like to-- andthey have to do it, you know,

because God told youto tell them to do it.

Or better-- eliminate themiddleman-- because you're god.

My problem-- my problem is Ineed some kind of a miracle

to convince people that I'm God.

I suppose-- you know, youcan go to a primitive country

with a Bic lighter anda couple of thermoses

and-- this one keepshot things hot,

and this one keepscold things cold.


But, yeah-- thosepeople-- you really

don't want to havesex with them, anyway.

And then the other thing isanybody who would buy one

of my magic tricks asa miracle is probably

too stupid to wantto have sex with.

You know what I'm talking about?

And all four jackscome to the top.


Now take off your clothes!

Our first comedian did notfall for the four jacks trick.