Julian McCullough - Break Up

  • Season 2 , Ep 0204
  • 07/05/2007
  • Views: 17,324

Breaking up is complicated. (3:22)

AUDIENCE:Aw...

Oh, thank you.Thank you, lady and dude.

Um, so...

We'd been going outfor two years,

and when you've been going outfor that long, uh,

the breakup is complicated.

You can't do it, first of all,the day you decide to do it.

Nobody is that mentally awesomethat they can pull that off.

It takes days, sometimes weeksof mental preparation

to break up with somebody.

Have you ever completelybroken up with somebody

in your own head

and you kind of forgetto tell them for a few days?

'Cause it feels fantasticand you don't want to ruin it.

They always figure it out.

They're like,"What's going on?!"

You're like,"You're still here?"

So I said that the other night,

and this couplein the front row,

the girl cracked up like

it was the funniest thingshe ever heard.

Her boyfriend was like,"What? I don't get it.

What's going on?Why is that so funny?"

I was like,"Dude, you got two days.

You might want to grabyour CDs."

So, uh...

so the day came, I was goingto do it, right?

I had confidence and a plan.

My plan was keep it shortand get out of there.

My confidence took a dip

when I had to ride my biketo her house.

That is not a powerful vehiclefor a man to arrive on,

especially when her complaintsare, you're immature

and you don't have your(bleep) together.

I'm like, bitch doesn't knowwhat she's talking about.

I'm doing great.

So, uh, this is what I did

to build my confidence back up,right?

When I got to her street...Are you ready for this, sir?

I landed a sweet jumponto her sidewalk, right?

And I stuck it,

and I was like,who's the man?

And then, uh... she's waitingfor me on her stairs.

When I got to her stoop

I skidded my back tiressideways like that

and she was like, "Oh, (bleep)."

And then, uh...

I remembered my plan:keep it short.

So I took a newspaperand I threw it at her face.

And I was like,"This just in: you're out."

And I popped a wheeliedown the street.

It was awesome.

It was fantastic.

(applause)

That's...

uh, that's what she did.

She clapped and criedat the same time.

She was like, "I'm heartbroken,but that wheelie was sick.

"I didn't even knowyou could do that.

Let's reconsider."

So, uh,

the reason we... I broke upwith my ex-girlfriend,

we were fighting all the time,like every day.

And it was never that hardwhen I was growing up.

My first girlfriend, firstof all, we never fought, right?

'Cause I was 14;she was a magazine.

It was really easy.

I'm kidding.

But she was a born-again...

her parents wereborn-again Christians, right?

And they wouldn't let her dateat all, so we would have to...

our entire relationship wasmaking out under the stairs

in the high schoolafter eighth period

for a half an hour every day.

And, uh... about two weeksinto it, I decided to take

the relationshipto the next level, right?

Not emotionally.

And, uh...

so I go to reach my hand downinto her area, right?

If you know what I'm saying.Do you know what I'm saying?

'Cause I'll tell you.All right.

And, uh...

I think you need to tell him.

And, um...

I'm down there, right,it's my first time doing this

and I've no idea what I'm doing,right?

But I want to do a good job

'cause I would liketo be asked back.

So...

I remember, in that moment,I remember my dad always said

whenever you're doing anythingnew, you know, new territory,

just use what you do knowand try to adapt that.

Right?But I'm 14, I'm like,

um... up, up, down, down,left, right, left, right,

B, A, B, A, start.

(applause)

She (bleep) 30 times.

It was unbelievable.

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