Chris Hardwick - Dweeby Kids

Chris Hardwick: Mandroid Season 1, Ep 1 11/10/2012 Views: 17,203

Chris Hardwick explains that old sperm makes dweeby kids. (2:07)

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Sex shouldn't resultin pregnancy.

It just shouldn't, right?

If we were perfect beings,sex would have two functions:

for pleasureand to complicate friendships,

and that is it.

But if you do wanna have kids,don't wait too long.

You know, like,try have them young-ish.

Like, you don't wannawait too long.

You don't, because kids whoare the product of old sperm

are not right.

The fresher the mayo,the better the sandwich.

That is a very simple formula,you guys.

No, old spermmakes dweeby kids.

They're not nerds.I love nerds.

I mean, dweebs, like,the really awkward ones.

Don't go out in the sun.They can't look you in the eye.

They hide behind things.You expose them,

they make this noise,"Ahh, ahh."


That's old sperm.

The dweebiest kidin my school,

his parents were in their50s when he was born, right?

That's not even an accident.

That's like,"This shit still works?"

And then there he was.

You ever find 20 bucksin an old pair of pants?

That was this kid.

Yeah, he was justso awkward.

He just seemedslightly expired, like,

he just couldn'tlook you in the eye.

He was shaky, sweaty.

He would swallow in weird placesin sentences for some reason.

He'd be like,"Hey, guys, we're gonna go...

down to the Burger King."

[breathes heavily]

I'd be like,

"You knew you were aboutto start talking, Randy."

Swallow, then sentence."

Are there any Latinoshere tonight?

A couple?Oh, good.

I have the greatest respectfor your culture.

I think you guysdo it properly.


Seriously, you haveyour three or four kids

and then you slow down so youcan enjoy your late teens.

I think that isa great way to do it.

It is.It is.