I THINK ELVIS PRESLEYIS THE PERFECT METAPHOR
FOR THE UNITED STATES,
BECAUSE ELVIS STARTED OUT YOUNGAND SEXY AND INNOVATIVE,
AND THEN HE BECAME ALL FATAND DISGUSTING AND BLOATED.
AND I THINK THAT'S WHERETHE UNITED STATES IS NOW, MAN.
WE'RE IN OUR "FAT, VEGAS,JUMPSUIT ELVIS" PERIOD.
TOO SCREWED UP TO KNOW
THE AUDIENCEISN'T DIGGING US ANYMORE.
"THIS CROWD LOVES ME, MAN.I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.
KARATE KICK, BABY."
"DID MY HEROJUST DO A KARATE KICK?
SIGH."
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVERY WAR IS A DEFEATTO THE HUMAN SPIRIT,
AND I'M COMPLETELY AGAINSTWAR OF ANY KIND.
BUT I THINKIF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A WAR,
YOU SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATETHE POWER OF RIDICULE.
WE SHOULD MESS WITH THESE PEOPLEA LITTLE BIT MORE.
MIX IT UP, MAN -- ONE DAY,BOMBS. ANOTHER DAY, CONFETTI.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH. ONE DAY, BOMBS.ANOTHER DAY, RUBBER CHICKENS.
"OH, I HATE RUBBER-CHICKEN DAY."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"IT'S LIKE THEY'RE MAKING FUNOF US OR SOMETHING."
[ SCATTERED LAUGHS ]
I REMEMBER YEARS AGO,I READ A THING THAT SAID THAT
THE MONEY THAT THE UNITED STATESSPENT ON THE VIETNAM WAR,
WE COULD HAVE BUILTEACH VIETNAMESE FAMILY
A $300,000 HOME.
I DON'T KNOW WE DON'T EVERTRY THAT APPROACH.
MAKE THEM LOVE US TO DEATH.
WE SHOULD BUILD WATERSLIDE PARKSALL OVER THE MIDDLE EAST.
HOW MUCH HAPPIER WOULD THEY BE
IF THEY COULD GO DOWNREFRESHING WATERSLIDES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ Middle-Eastern accent ]"BULLY, BULLY, BULLY!"
[ APPLAUSE ]
SEE THOSE DUDESWITH THE REALLY LONG BEARDS
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SLIDE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK THAT ALL RADICAL MUSLIMSSHOULD SKATEBOARD.
BECAUSE AFTER ALL,THEY ARE RADICAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY LITTLE SISTERJUST HAD A BABY.
AREN'T CHILDREN BEAUTIFUL?YES.
IT'S FUNNY,THE NAMES OF DIAPERS.
YOU GOT LUVS AND HUGGIES.
BUT FOR ADULT DIAPERS,THEY'RE CALLED DEPENDS.
AND THAT'S BECAUSE
IF A LITTLE-BITTY BABYPOOPS IN HIS PANTS,
YOU KNOW, YOU STILL WANT TOLOVE HIM AND HUG HIM.
BUT IF AN OLD PERSONPOOPS IN HIS PANTS,
DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM?
DEPENDS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
DEPENDS IF I'M IN THE WILLOR NOT.
IF I'M IN THE WILL,
I'LL WIPE YOUR ASSAND POWDER YOUR BALLS, OLD MAN.
JUST DON'T FORGET LITTLE TOMMY.
[ SCATTERED LAUGHS ]
I KNOW A GIRL NAMED SAHARA.
HER STRIPPER NAME IS JILL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS IN A STRIP CLUB ONE TIME.
I SAW A DANCER THAT WAS SO UGLY,SHE HAD TO WEAR A CHANGE BELT.
[ LAUGHTER, JEERS ]
SHE KNEW NOBODY WAS GONNAGIVE HER A WHOLE DOLLAR.
I CAME AT HERWITH A COUPLE OF SINGLES.
SHE GOT ALL EXCITED.I SAID, "NO, BABY.
I JUST NEED CHANGEFOR THE CIGARETTE MACHINE."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I GOT THE WORSTBIRTHDAY PRESENT THIS YEAR.
I GOT A STEPHEN HAWKINGAUDIOBOOK...
[ LAUGHTER ]
...READ BY THE AUTHOR.
SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THE COSMOS,
BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTANDA WORD OF IT.
I LIVE IN A REALLY OLD BUILDING,AND IT'S HAUNTED WITH GHOSTS.
AND I KNOW THAT,
BECAUSE WHENEVER I MASTURBATE,THEY GIGGLE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS MOVIELAST YEAR THAT CAME OUT
CALLED "THE BRIDGE"?
IT WAS ALL ABOUT SUICIDESON GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE.
THEY STUDIED IT.IT WAS FASCINATING.
DO YOU KNOWTHAT 1 OUT OF 20 PEOPLE
THAT JUMP OFF THEGOLDEN GATE BRIDGE SURVIVE?
HOW SCREWY WOULD THAT BE?
YOU TRY AND COMMIT SUICIDE,AND YOU LIVE.
THEN YOU GOT TO FACEYOUR FAMILY.
THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT."
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]