Mitch Hedberg - Flossing

  • Season 1 , Ep 6
  • 01/04/1999
  • Views: 60,821

It's as hard to quit smoking as it is to start flossing. (2:46)

I CAN'T FLOSS MY TEETH, MAN.

I CAN'T GETINTO THE FLOSSING THING.

PEOPLE WHO SMOKE CIGARETTES,THEY SAY

"MAN, YOU DON'T KNOWHOW HARD IT IS TO QUIT SMOKING."

YES, I DO.

IT'S AS HARD AS IT ISTO START FLOSSING.

"YOU SEEM JITTERY."

"YEAH. I'M ABOUT TO FLOSS."

I LIKE CINNAMON ROLLS--THAT'S WHY I WISH

THEY MADELIKE A CINNAMON ROLL INCENSE

'CAUSE I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TIMETO MAKE A PAN.

PERHAPS I'D RATHER LIGHT A STICK

AND THEN HAVE MY ROOMMATESWAKE UP WITH FALSE HOPES.

I PLAYED IN A DEATH METAL BAND.

PEOPLE EITHER LOVED USOR THEY HATED US

OR THEY THOUGHT WE WERE OKAY.

A LOT OF DEATH METAL BANDSHAVE INTENSE NAMES

LIKE "RIGOR MORTIS"

OR "MORTUARY"

OR "OBITUARY."

WE WEREN'T THAT INTENSE.

WE JUST WENT WITH "INJURED."

LATER ON, WE CHANGED ITTO "A CAPPELLA"

AS WE WERE WALKINGOUT OF THE PAWN SHOP.

( laughter )

WE BECAME A DEATH METALBARBER SHOP QUARTET.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GOTO CONCERTS LIKE PUNK ROCK

AND THE KIDS GET ON STAGE

AND THEY JUMP INTO THE CROWD,STAGE DIVING?

PEOPLE THINK THAT'S DANGEROUSBUT NOT ME

BECAUSE HUMANS ARE MADEOUT OF 95% WATER.

SO THE AUDIENCE ISFIVE PERCENT AWAY FROM A POOL.

I SMOKE CIGARS OCCASIONALLY.

I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT CIGARS.

AT THE CIGAR STORE,THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER SAID

"WHAT KIND OF CIGARSDO YOU LIKE?"

"UH... IT'S A BOYS."

( laughter )

I WAS AT A BAR.

I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

NO ONE WAS TALKING TO ME'CAUSE I'D JUST DID A SHOW.

( laughter )

THIS GUY BUMPED INTO ME,WHICH IS COOL

BUT HE DIDN'T APOLOGIZE.

HE SAID, "MOVE."

AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS RUDE,SO I SAID, "GO TO HELL."

THEN I STARTED TO RUN.

HE CAUGHT UP WITH ME.

HE HAD A MUSTACHE, A GOATEE

A PAIR OF EARRINGS,A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES

AND HIS HAIR WAS IN A PONYTAILAND HE WAS WEARING A HAT.

HE SAID, "HEY, YOU GOTA LOT OF NERVE."

I SAID,"HEY, YOU GOT A LOT OF...

CRANIUM ACCESSORIES."

THIS IS A SMART CROWD.

WHEN I PLAY THE DUMB CROWDS

I HAVE TO SAY, "YOU GOT A LOTOF ( bleep ) ON YOUR HEAD."

Loading...