Lewis Black - College Horse

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 12/21/1998
  • Views: 60,774

Lewis knows how people get aneurysms. (3:54)

I ONCE GOT...

I ONCE GOT TO A POINT

WHERE I ALMOST SNAPPED

SO YOU CAN IMAGINEWHAT THAT WAS LIKE.

I HAD JUST ABOUT HAD IT

SO I WENT TO A PLACETO CALM DOWN.

I WENT TO MY HEALTH CLUB...

THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSEOF PANCAKES.

THERE'S NO REASON

TO BODYBUILD, NONE.

THAT'S WHY GOD GAVE US

THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSEOF PANCAKES

'CAUSE YOU'LL ALWAYS FEEL GOODABOUT YOUR BODY

WHEN YOU GO THERE,NO MATTER WHAT YOUR BODY IS

BECAUSE THERE'SALWAYS SOMEONE THERE

THAT WEIGHTS 350 POUNDS MORETHAN YOU'LL EVER WEIGH.

IT'S GUARANTEED.

IT'S ON THE BACK OF THE MENU.

READ IT SOMETIME.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT ITTHE BEST IS

THEY DON'T GIVE YOUA CUP OF COFFEE THERE.

THEY GIVE YOU A THINGCALLED A "HOGGLE" OF COFFEE

THAT'S THIS BIG.

EVEN IF YOU'RE ALONE,YOU GET THIS BIG JUG OF COFFEE

WHICH MAKES ME FEEL GOOD

'CAUSE I THINK MAYBE SOMEBODY'SCOMING AND I DON'T KNOW WHO.

SO I PUT IN THE MILKAND THE SUGAR

AND I DRANK THE WHOLE THINGAND THEN I GO

"BRING ME SOME PANCAKES!"

THAT WAS WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE!

AND YOU NEED A LOT OF PANCAKES

'CAUSE I GOT SIX SYRUPSON THE TABLE

AND I GOT TO USEEVERY ONE OF THEM.

SO I FINISHED THE MEAL

AND I WAS DRINKINGTHE BOYSENBERRY--

WELL, BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKETHE EDGE OFF THE COFFEE--

WHEN FROM BEHIND ME,A YOUNG WOMAN OF 25

UTTERED THE FOLLOWING:

IT WAS THE DUMBEST THINGI EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE

UNTIL DAN QUAYLE WAS ELECTED

THE VICE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES.

SHE SAID, "IF IT WEREN'TFOR MY HORSE

I WOULDN'T HAVE SPENTTHAT YEAR IN COLLEGE."

I'M GOING TO REPEAT THATBECAUSE IT BEARS REPEATING.

"IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE..."

AS IN, GIDDYAP, GIDDYAP,LET'S GO--

"...I WOULDN'T HAVE SPENTTHAT YEAR IN COLLEGE"

WHICH IS A DEGREE-GRANTINGINSTITUTION.

DON'T, DON'T THINKABOUT THAT SENTENCE

FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES

OR BLOOD WILL SHOOTOUT YOUR NOSE.

THE AMERICAN MEDICAL PROFESSIONDOES NOT KNOW WHY

WE GET AN ANEURYSM.

AN ANEURYSM IS WHENA BLOOD VESSEL BURSTS

IN YOUR HEADFOR NO APPARENT REASON.

THERE IS A REASON!

YOU GO TO THE MALL ONE DAYWITH YOUR FRIENDS.

SOMEBODY OVER THERE SAYS

THE DUMBEST THINGYOU'VE EVER HEARD

AND IT GOES IN YOUR EAR.

NOW, YOU TURN AROUNDTO SEE IF YOUR FRIENDS HEARD IT

BUT YOUR FRIENDS ARE OVER THEREAND THEY'RE PRETENDING

THAT THEY'RE GOING TO BUYA CELLULAR PHONE.

AND THEY'RE NOT GOINGTO BUY A CELLULAR PHONE

BECAUSE THESE IDIOTSDON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT THE RATE STRUCTURE MEANS.

SO YOU TURN BACK TO SEEWHO SAID IT

BECAUSE IF YOU TALK TO THEMAND ASK THEM

"WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

BUT THEY'RE GONE.

AND NOW THOSE WORDSARE IN YOUR HEAD.

AND THEY STAY THERE.

THEY DON'T GO AWAY.

I KNOW YOU THINKYOU'RE DRIVING TO WORK

BUT YOU'RE NOTDRIVING TO WORK.

ALL YOU'RE BRAIN'S THINKING IS

"IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE,IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE."

YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE DINNERWITH YOUR FAMILY

AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVINGDINNER, BUT IT'S NOT.

IT'S GOING, "HOW DID YOUGET INTO COLLEGE WITH A HORSE?"

IT'S LIKE A MOBIUS STRIPIN YOUR HEAD.

IT JUST GOES OVERAND OVER AND OVER.

FOR SEVEN DAYS,THAT'S ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE THINKINGABOUT IT

BUT YOU'RE BRAIN'S GOINGOVERTIME

AND AT THE END OF THE WEEK

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