SCOTUS Strikes Down Abortion Regulations in Texas

June 28, 2016 - Calvin Trillin 06/28/2016 Views: 25,283

The Supreme Court rules on a series of crucial cases before recessing for summer, including voting down a series of onerous regulations on Texas abortion clinics. (3:16)

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let's turnfrom one small group

changing history to another,the Supreme Court.

Now, uh, this week,you would have thought that, uh,

Game of Thrones would haveeasily been the most exciting

season finale,but the Supreme Court

has easily blown itout of the water, people,

and they only lostone character.

You see, the court just endedits term yesterday

but before they leftthey dropped some bombs.

NEWSMAN: An evenly divided Supreme Court

blocks the president's immigration reform.

The Supreme Court struck down

a severe anti-abortion lawin Texas.

NEWSWOMAN: The Supreme Court voted unanimously to vacate

former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell's

corruption conviction.

The justices upheldan affirmative action program

at the University of Texas.

NEWSWOMAN: The Supreme Court also ruling that people

who commit domestic violence can lose

their gun ownership rights.

Damn.

Yeah, look at the Supreme Courtgetting all their (bleep) done

before they go on summer break.

Right now Congress is lookingat them going, that's a thing?

Yeah, that's a thing, Congress.

And not only doesthe Supreme Court get it done,

but they get it done in style.

NEWSMAN: The opinions are printed

and handed out to reporters,

but it's a long way from the press room

to the television cameras,

so summer interns pick up the opinions

and race them to reporters outside.

(laughing):Oh...

It's just like the Olympics,but without the Zika.

What the hell are they doing?

That's so much fun,the Supreme Court--

they could put all of theirrulings out online,

but they don't.They're like, "Here's the paper,

you guys read it."Everyone has to be like,

"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

It's so low-tech and yetso gangster at the same time.

I love it. Even in Africa,people are watching, like,

"Hey, why don't you guysjust fax it, man?

It's called the future."

But the truth isa lot of these rulings

may have moved Americafurther into the future,

especially this one.

REPORTER: A huge victory for abortion rights today

at the Supreme Court, in the biggest case of its kind

since 1992.

REPORTER 2: The Supreme Court struck town a Texas law

that imposed strict requirements on clinics

and doctors, finding those limits place an undue burden

on the constitutional right to abortion.

Wow. This is such great newscoming out of the Supreme Court.

Because, don't forget,Texas was pioneering a scheme

to get rid of abortion clinicsby unfairly regulating them

out of business,and it was working.

Many clinics were shut downall over the state

and women were losing access toreproductive services, you know?

Many of these regulationswere blatantly unreasonable.

For instance,corridors in abortion clinics

had to be eight feet widewith swinging doors,

just like in a big hospital.

Beds had to be three feetfrom the wall.

They even had regulationsfor the janitor's closets.

Yeah, and-and that's not all.I mean, some of the things

were extremely crazy.I mean, the Texa...

the Texas law also said thatthe only doctors allowed

to perform surgeriesare Dr. Doom,

Dr. Who and Dr. Pepper.

And all clinicshad to have a hedge maze

in front that patientshad to complete

in order to find the entrance.

Oh, and-and...and one more regulation:

no abortionsfor people who are women.

Everyone else is good. Yes, yes.

Everyone else is fine.