Howard Kremer - How to Kidnap a Midget

Theobald, Dixon, Koenig, Kremer Season 7, Ep 711 01/16/2004 Views: 4,961

Get a hot slice of pizza and put it in the trunk of your car. (2:04)

MIDGETS LOVE PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

UH, THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM

SO EASY TO KIDNAP.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU GET A HOT SLICE OF PIZZA,

YOU LEAVE IT IN THE TRUNK OF

YOUR CAR.

YOU WAIT LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

FIVE, TEN MINUTES, AND A HUNGRY

MIDGET WILL COME WADDLING BY,

RIGHT?

HE'S SNIFFING, HE'S SMELLING, HE

GETS A WHIFF OF THE PIZZA RIGHT?

AND STARTS TO FREAK OUT,

HE'LL TRY TO CLIMB UP INTO THE

TRUNK BUT THEIR ARMS ARE SHORT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO FINALLY HE DIVES IN THERE

AND HE STARTS TO GORGE HIMSELF

ON THE PIZZA.

MMM!

NOW AS THEY'RE EATING,

THEY ACTUALLY BECOME QUITE

DOCILE, OKAY.

YOU CAN PET THEM, STROKE THEM,

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO,

JUST BE CAREFUL WHEN THEY GET

DOWN TO THE CRUST.

THAT'S WHEN THEY BECOME

DANGEROUS AGAIN.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SLAM THE TRUNK

SHUT AND CONGRATULATIONS,

NEW YORK CITY YOU GOT YOURSELF

A MIDGET.

WHOO!

SO, AH, I LIKE TO PARTY.

[CHEERING]

YOU PARTY, NEW YORK CITY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ONE TIME I WAS DOING SOME ACID,

RIGHT, AND, UH, YOU'VE HEARD

ABOUT IT NEW YORK CITY?

YEAH?

AND, UH, I WANTED TO CALL

MY FRIEND BUT I DIALED THE WRONG

NUMBER AND I GOT THE HOSPITAL.

I GOT THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT.

THE LADY ANSWERS THE PHONE,

"ICU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SEE YOU, TOO.