Dane Cook - Cheaters’ Guilt

Dane Cook: Vicious Circle Season 1, Ep 0101 06/28/2000 Views: 96,484

Hardwood floors taunt Dane Cook when he returns home to an unsuspecting girlfriend after cheating. (1:59)

SNEAK IN, CLOSE THAT DOOR.

HERE'S THE WORST:

WE HAD HARDWOOD FLOORS.

YEAH.

THOSE FLOORS SUCK FOR CHEATING,

BECAUSE THEY TAUNT YOU, RIGHT?

THEY'RE SO OLD,

EVERY STEP YOU TAKE, IT'S LIKE,

"CHEATER!

LIAR!

SHE LOVES YOU!"

"SHUT THE [bleep]--

SHUT UP, FLOOR.

I WILL BUY YOU A RUG.

PLEASE, SHUT UP."

"YOU'RE A LOSER!"

"I KNOW!"

NOW WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU GOTTA SNEAK

RIGHT INTO THE SHOWER.

THAT'S THE FIRST THING.

YOU GET INTO THAT SHOWER,

YOU START WASHING OFF

YOUR [bleep] LIKE YOU'RE GONNA

PUT 'EM UP FOR AUCTION ON EBAY.

RIGHT?

YOU DO THE TRIANGLE SCRUB.

ONE, TWO, TOP.

ONE, TWO, TOP.

PANTENE PRO-V, SPLAT!

ONE, TWO, TOP.

NOW YOU COME OUT.

YOU COME OUT,

AND THERE THEY ARE.

THEY'RE LAYING IN BED

WAITING FOR YOU, SOUND ASLEEP,

AND THE GOAL IS, YOU HAVE TO--

YOU HAVE TO GET INTO THAT BED

WITHOUT MAKING ANY MOVEMENTS,

WITHOUT WAKING THEM, WHATSOEVER.

YOU GET UP TO THAT BED,

YOU LIFT THAT SHEET UP.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA

TOUCH THAT BED.

YOU TRY TO

VAMPIRE YOURSELF INTO--

YOU TRY TO FLOAT GENTLY,

LIKE A PIECE OF PAPER.

BUT, OF COURSE, THEY WAKE UP.

THEY'RE GONNA WAKE UP

ON THAT NIGHT.

ANY OTHER NIGHT,

YOU COULD RUN IN,

DIVE BOMB, FART--

[fart noise] AHH!

NOTHING.

BUT ON THIS NIGHT,

THEY WAKE UP VIOLENTLY.

THEY'RE LIKE--

[groaning]

RIGHT, SO SHE WAKES UP,

AND SHE LOOKS RIGHT AT ME,

AND, OF COURSE, AT THIS POINT,

THEY CALL YOU,

LIKE, THE MOST AMAZING NICKNAME

THAT YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR,

AT THAT POINT.

ALL RIGHT, SHE LOOKS

RIGHT AT ME, SHE'S LIKE,

"HI, PERFECT.