Gilbert Gottfried - Planet of the Apes

  • Season 6 , Ep 9
  • 06/16/2002
  • Views: 14,656

Ignore the human mouths behind the plastic monkey mask mouths. (3:42)

GILBERT GOTTFRIED>> A CANNIBAL

FROM EVERY OLD JUNGLE FILM.

(LAUGHTER)

IRONSIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

IRONSIDE TAKING A NAP.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MICKEY MOUSE ON ACID,

"OH, GOD, I'M FREAKING OUT!

OH, NOOOO, I'M HAVIN'

A BAD TRIP!"

(LAUGHTER)

A CANNIBAL STICKING HIS

TONGUE OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S TURN TO THE OLD TESTAMENT.

IF YOU HAVE THE OLD TESTAMENT

AT HOME, IF YOU FLIP THE CORNER

PAGES, YOU CAN SEE JESUS RIDING

A HORSE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE WAS GOOD.

FLIPS HIS HAT UP AND DOWN.

ON THE OTHER SIDE THERE'S

A FAT LADY WITH A HOOLA-HOOP.

BACK THEN EVERYONE THOUGHT

THE FAT LADY WITH THE HOOLA-HOOP

WOULD BECOME FAMOUS.

NO ONE THOUGHT JESUS WAS GOING

ANYWHERE.

AND THE FAT LADY WITH THE

HOOLA-HOOP HAD BETTER

MANAGEMENT.

TODAY YOU'D WAKE UP IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM, STUB YOUR TOE AND GO,

"OWWW, FAT LADY WITH A

HOOLA-HOOP!

OHHH, YOU FAT LADY WITH A

HOOLA-HOOP!"

(LAUGHTER)

I WISH SOMETIMES THAT I COULD

LOSE MY TEMPER THE WAY THAT

CHARLTON HESTON DID IN THE

ORIGINAL PLANET OF THE APES.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT SCENE WHERE HE SAID,

"TAKE YOUR PAWS OFF ME,

YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!"

AND HE DID THAT AFTER THEY

THREW A NET ON HIM.

IT'S LIKE BEFORE THEN EVERYTHING

WAS OKAY.

SOMETHING ABOUT MONKEY'S

THROWING A NET ON HIM,

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!

NOW I'M ANGRY!

BEFORE THEN, HE LANDS ON A

PLANET OF TALKING MONKEYS,

THEY CHASE AFTER HIM, THEY SHOOT

AT HIM, THEY KILL THE OTHER

TWO GUYS, STUFF THEM, NAIL 'EM

TO A WALL.

THAT'S FINE.

BUT THEN THEY THROW A NET ON HIM

AND IT'S LIKE ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, I'VE PUT UP WITH

ENOUGH.

IT'S WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON THAT

MOVIE IT'S JUST A RUBBER MONKEY

MASK IN A JUMP SUIT.

AND THEY ALL HAD THOSE RUBBER

MONKEY MOUTHS.

WHERE THEY'D SPEAK AND IN THE

MIDDLE OF WHAT THEY WERE SAYING,

THE MOUTH WOULD GO...

(LAUGHTER)

THE MONKEY WOULD BE GIVING

A LONG IMPASSIONED SPEECH

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE MOUTH

WOULD GO...

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETIMES ONE MONKEY WOULD BE

TALKING AND THE OTHER MONKEY

WOULD GO...

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETIMES TWO MONKEYS WOULD BE

YELLING AT EACH OTHER AND WAY

IN THE BACK A MONKEY WOULD GO...

AND YOU HAVE TO IGNORE THE FACT

THAT WHEN IT OPENS IT'S MOUTH

THERE WAS ANOTHER MOUTH

UNDERNEATH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S LIKE "PLEASE IGNORE

THIS MOUTH.

DO NOT LOOK AT THIS MOUTH.

ONLY LOOK AT THE RUBBER MONKEY

MOUTH."

THEN ALSO IN THE MOVIE THEY

HAD THAT LIKE RED-HAIRED GORILLA

WITH THE ENGLISH ACCENT

THAT WAS THEIR LEADER.

THEY NEVER EXPLAINED IF THERE'S

NO ENGLAND IN THE PICTURE,

HOW DID HE GET THAT ACCENT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'D THINK, AT LEAST ONE OF THE

MONKEYS WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE

GOING, "WHY'S HE TALKING THAT

WAY?"

(LAUGHTER)

I'M REALLY GLAD THAT

Loading...