Kristen Schaal - Inside the Mattress

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010
  • Views: 29,045

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently? (3:47)

I JUST WANTED YOU GUYS TO KNOW

THAT I AM A VERY PROLIFICPLAYWRIGHT,

AND IN NEW YORK CITY,WE LIKE TO--WHEN WE'RE DONE

WITH OUR...WE'LL JUST THROW ITON THE GROUND, AND--

'CAUSE WE'RE ARTISTS.

SO THE OTHER DAY,I TRIPPED OVER A MATTRESS

ON THE STREET AND I THOUGHT,

"WOW, WHAT IS THIS STORYOF THIS MATTRESS?"

AND THAT'S HOW I CAME UPWITH MY ONE-WOMAN SHOW

"INSIDE THE MATTRESS."

SO I WANT TO DO THE FIRST ACTFOR YOU TONIGHT

JUST TO GET A BUZZ OUT THERE,AND WHO KNOWS,

YOU KNOW, BROADWAY.(laughs)

FOR THE--FOR ALL THREE.OKAY.

SO THIS IS CALLED"INSIDE THE MATTRESS."

OKAY.

(laughter)

I KNOW YOU SEE ME,

THROWN OUT ON THE STREETLIKE A USED CONDOM

ON THE SCRAP HEAP OF LIFE.

I SEE YOU WALKING BY,SELF-ABSORBED WITH YOUR LIVES

AND YOUR iPhones.

WOW, HOW DO THOSE iPhonesEVEN WORK WITHOUT THE BUTTONS

AND THE MAPS COMING UP?

IT'S SO MAGICAL.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE TO MAKE THEM,TO HAVE TO GIVE A DRAGON A...

AND HE'D...AN iPhone.

(laughter)

GUESS I'LL NEVER KNOW.YEAH, KEEP WALKING.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO TALKTO A DIRTY OLD MATTRESS EITHER.

WELL, THERE IS ONE MATTRESSI'D LIKE TO TALK TO,

MY TWIN BROTHER.

I NEVER GOT TO MEET MY TWIN.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.I WAS RARELY ALONE.

THE FIRST PERSON TO SLEEP ON MEWAS A COLLEGE KID NAMED CLAY.

CLAY WAS AFRAID OF COLLEGE,AFRAID OF BEING AWAY FROM HOME,

AFRAID OF LIFE, REALLY.

EVERY NIGHT HE'D CRY HIMSELFTO SLEEP,

AND I'D SOAK UP HIS TEARS.

(laughter)

IN THE MORNING,I'D SOAK UP HIS PENIS TEARS.

(laughter)

WE HAD A DEAL.

WELL, AFTER THAT,

CLAY PASSED ME ON TO A BAD MANNAMED JOHN.

JOHN USED MEAND MY PILLOW FRIEND SAL

TO KILL SOMEBODY!

I'M JUST GLAD THAT

I'M NOT MADEOUT OF MEMORY FOAM.

(laughter)

WHOO!IT SURE IS COLD OUT HERE.

COLDER THAN A WITCH'S TIT.

AND YOU KNOW WHY WITCHES' TITSARE SO COLD.

IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE WITCHES,AND THEY'RE HATEFUL.

AND THEIR NIPPLES ARE MADEOUT OF ICE, DRY ICE,

WHICH YOU SHOULDNEVER, EVER TOUCH.

(laughter)

I KNOW 'CAUSE A WITCH SLEPTBELOW ME

AND HAUNTED A CHILD.

(laughter)

YOU KNOW, I'VE SUPPORTEDA LOT OF DREAMS OVER THE YEARS,

BUT HAS ANYBODY STOPPEDTO WONDER

WHAT MY DREAMS ARE?

I OFTEN WONDER IF YOU WERETO SEND A WEREWOLF TO THE MOON,

WOULD HE BE A WEREWOLFPERMANENTLY?

(laughter)

THANK YOU.

(cheers and applause)

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