a nice crowd, so I'll start offby warning you.
I'm not a personwho goes out of my way
to be politically correct.I don't try to be nice.
Yeah, I think we should be ableto say things we feel,
even if they'renot politically correct.
Things like, black women,
for the most part,have no business
in telephone customer service.
Sometimes, it's like I'm justtrying to figure out
my phone bill,I don't need
to hear your neck snap,Shalonda.
Some people hear me say thatand they think
I'm either racistor not a very nice person.
Neither are true.I'm just sick of the people
that take their miserable livesout on the rest of us.
Yeah, like I will tell you guysI am sick of homeless people.
I hate homeless people.
I can't stand homeless people.
I don't feel badabout saying it.
I don't mind saying it, becauseI give homeless people money.
I give them more moneythan I should.
So I feel, as a paying customer,I have a right to complain.
Yeah, like the homeless guyI really hate is the one
that asks for a dollar,you give him a dollar
and then he continuesto tell him your story.
I always feel likeI just gave you a dollar
so I didn't haveto listen to this.
Some people feel like I'm beingmean when I say this,
but I find it hard to believeI'm the only person in this room
that's ever lookedat a homeless guy
sitting on the sidewalk,drinking a beer and thought,
"Well, aren't we havinga relaxing day."
I do get sick of people takingtheir miserable lives
out on the rest of us though.
I-I really do.
I'll tell you guys who I hate,who's at the top
of my list right now:servers with attitude.
Yeah, it's true.I eat at a lot of restaurants.
I don't have a choice.And I've tried special diets.
Like, I tried Atkins, I tried
South Beach, and sometimesmy order's particular enough
that I piss myself off.
But I hate when I ask forsomething small and I get a sigh
or an ugly face. I feel likeletting these servers know,
"Look, I'm not the onethat got you pregnant at 15.
"I'm not the one that made Daddyleave and I'm not the one
"that keeps putting offyour GED test.
So how aboutsome (bleep) ranch?"
Thing that gets meis I move to L.A. and suddenly,
there are no servers.
No, there they're all actorsand actresses.
And for them,it goes a little different.
For them,it goes something like this.
"Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't getthe part on Gilmore Girls,
"but it looks to melike you've got a role.
"You're playing my server.
"So why don't you go backto the kitchen
"and get into your space
"or whatever it is you actors do,
"and get me some (bleep) ranch.