David Koechner - Buy My Baby

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 04/07/2011
  • Views: 26,111

Four days ago, David Koechner and his wife had their fifth child. Tonight, that baby is for sale. (3:37)

FOLKS, I'M GOING TO TELLYOU ABOUT THE SHOW TONIGHT.

THE SHOWTHAT I'M GONNA PUT ON.

A COUPLE OF THINGS ALWAYSHAPPEN INVARIABLY

WHEN I DO A SHOW,A LIVE SHOW--

I DON'T KNOW WHY,BUT THEY DO HAPPEN.

ONE IS A KNIFE FIGHT.

NO ONE'S GONNA BE HURT,BUT IT'S GONNA BE

A HARROWING EXPERIENCEFOR THOSE THAT ARE INVOLVED.

SECONDLY, HALF OF THIS AUDIENCEIS GONNA WALK OUT

WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON.

DON'T KNOW WHY.DON'T KNOW HOW.

IT JUST HAPPENS.IT JUST HAPPENS.

FOUR DAYS AGO, MY WIFE AND IHAD OUR FIFTH CHILD.

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. FIVE.

FIVE KIDS.

DON'T KNOW WHY WE DID IT.

(laughter)

WE REALIZED MAYBEWE SHOULDN'T HAVE,

AND THAT'S WHYI'M GONNA TELL YOU TONIGHT,

THAT BABY IS FOR SALE.

BY BEING HERE TONIGHTAT THIS SHOW,

YOU HAVE AN EXCLUSIVEOPPORTUNITY TO BUY MY BABY.

IT IS A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL.HER NAME IS EVE.

I WANT TO START THE BID--I'M GONNA START THE BIDDING

AT $100000, $100000.

WHAT AM I BID? WHAT IS MY BID?4 DAY OLD. 4 DAY OLD.

WHAT AM I BID? JUST GET YOURHANDS IN THE AIR.

WHAT AM I BID? THERE'S ONE BID.$100,000.

NOW 150. NOW, 150.

WOW, THIS IS GOING BETTERTHAN I'D HOPED.

(laughter)

4 DAYS OLD.EYES ARE BLUE.

BLACK HAIR.SUBJECT TO CHANGE.

RIGHT NOW, THAT BABYDOES NOT WALK OR TALK.

LANGUAGE UP TO THE DISCRETIONOF THE PURCHASER.

(laughter)

IT'S EXPENSIVETO RAISE KIDS, RIGHT?

LOT OF MONEY.

SCHOOL,FOOD THEY EAT EVERY DAY.

THREE TIMES A DAY,SOMETIMES MORE.

CLOTHES.

IT'S ILLEGAL TO SEND THEM OUTTHERE NAKED.

MONEY.COLLEGE, MAYBE, RIGHT?

WEDDINGS, MAYBE? YEAH.MY KIDS ARE GOOD-LOOKING.

(laughter)

YOU CAN SEE IT.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE LAUGHING AT.

YOU CAN SEE IT.

THAT'S WHY IN MY FAMILY,WE ENCOURAGE BAD GRADES,

C'S AND D'S.

YOU FAILED A TEST?GOOD FOR YOU.

GET A BOWL OF ICE CREAM.

YOUR KIDS--I LOVE THEM.SOMETIMES THEY MISS ME.

I WAS ON THE ROAD A LOTTHIS SUMMER.

CAME BACK--OUR TWINSARE FOUR YEARS OLD,

IT'S A BOY AND A GIRL,AND WE'RE PLAYING CANDYLAND.

AND LET ME REFRESH YOUON THE RULES OF CANDYLAND.

THE YOUNGEST GOES FIRST--YEAH. YEAH, HUH?

ANYWAY, YOUNGEST GOES FIRSTAND THEN THE NEXT,

SO THE THREE OF USARE PLAYING IT,

BUT MY SON DID NOT WANTMY DAUGHTER,

WHO'S YOUNGER, TO GO FIRST.

HE WANTED TO GO FIRSTFOLLOWED BY ME

AND NOT HER TO PLAY AT ALL.

THEY'RE FOUR.

AND SO AT ONE POINT,HE RAISES HIS HAND LIKE THIS,

"SON, SON, SON, SON.STOP IT,"

AND SO HE RAN TO HIS ROOM.HE WAS UPSET.

WE PLAYED CANDYLAND,MY DAUGHTER AND I.

THEN I NOTICED IT WAS EXTREMELYQUIET IN MY SON'S ROOM.

WHICH MEANS SOMETHING BADIS HAPPENING

OR SOMETHING BADHAS HAPPENED.

SO I GO IN HIS ROOMAND IT'S SUMMERTIME

SO I'M NOT WEARINGANY SHOES,

I WALK IN THERE,AND THE RUG IS WET.

AND I SAID, "SON,WHY IS THE RUG WET?"

AND HE SAID,"MR. BUSINESS PEED."

MR. BUSINESS IS OUR DOG.

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU THE STORYOF HOW IT'S HIS NAME.

WE'LL GET TO THATSOME OTHER DAY,

BUT IT'S A GOOD ONE.

ANYWAY, I SAID,"THAT'S A LOT OF PEE, SON.

I DON'T THINK MR. BUSINESSDID THAT."

HE GOES, "OKAY, I DID IT."

I SAID, "WERE YOU UPSETABOUT CANDYLAND?"

"YES."

"YOU UPSET BECAUSE DAD'S BEENGONE SO MUCH?"

"YES."

"AND DID YOU DO THATBECAUSE YOU MISS DADDY?"

HE SAID, "YES."

I SAID, "I MISS YOU, TOO."

AND I UNZIPPED MY PANTSAND I MADE A PUDDLE

TWICE THE SIZE OF HIS.

(laughter)

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