Michael Ian Black - Girly Drinks

Michael Ian Black: Very Famous Season 1, Ep 101 08/06/2011 Views: 4,549

The only cocktails that Michael Ian Black can handle come with ice cream and a paper umbrella. (1:55)

- I'M NOT A DRINKERBY NATURE.

THAT'S WATER.UM...

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I JUST--I'M NOT GOOD AT IT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE TRIED IT.I DON'T LIKE BOOZE.

I'M NOT--YOU KNOW, IT JUSTMAKES ME SLEEPY, BASICALLY.

BUT--SO I DON'T DRINK.

BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN,YOU KNOW,

I'M OUT WITH MY WIFEOR SOMETHING

AND I FEEL LIKEI HAVE TO DRINK

BECAUSE SHE'S A LUSH,AND SO...

YOU KNOW, I FEEL OBLIGATEDTO ORDER SOMETHING.

BUT WHAT I'VE DISCOVEREDIS THAT THE ONLY DRINKS

THAT I CAN DRINK ARE JUSTTHE GIRLIEST OF GIRL DRINKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?LIKE IF--

LIKE, IF THERE'S A DRINK

I DON'T RECOGNIZE ON THE MENU,I'LL SAY,

"YOU KNOW, WHAT'S IN THAT?"TO THE WAITRESS.

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE,"WELL, THAT'S ONE PART VODKA."

AND I WILL STOP HER,AND I WILL SAY, "NO, NO, NO.

"JUST TELL MEHOW MANY PARTS ICE CREAM

"AND HOW MANY PARTSPAPER UMBRELLA.

THAT'S ALL I NEED TO KNOW."

I WILL JUST ORDER THE MOSTEFFEMINATE-SOUNDING DRINK

ON THE MENU.

SO MY WIFE WILL BE LIKE,"I'LL HAVE A BEER."

AND SHE WILL SAY,"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, SIR?"

AND I WILL SAY,"I WOULD LIKE THE..."

[clicks tongue]"BREEZY TAMPON, PLEASE."

I'M NOT SURE WHAT WOULD BEIN THE BREEZY TAMPON, EXACTLY.

TOMATO JUICE, I GUESS,PROBABLY WOULD BE--

[audience groaning]OH, WHAT?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT,YOU GUYS.

I MEANT THAT THE TOMATO JUICEWOULD REPRESENT MENSTRUAL BLOOD.

OKAY?

BUT IT WOULD BE CUTE,

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE SERVEDWITH A LITTLE MARASCHINO FETUS.

YOU GUYS...

[audience groaning]

WHAT? TOO MUCH?

"ZYGOTE," IS THAT BETTER?

WELL, 'CAUSE IFIT'S A ZYGOTE,

YOU'RE NOT AS EMOTIONALLYINVESTED IN IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?IT'S JUST...