Patton Oswalt - Dr. Pepper

Season 1 , Ep 0101 12/05/04 Views: 36,271

Dr. Pepper intermittently tells the tale of his roommate's car. (5:02)

Patton Oswalt: SO, THIS IS SO--

YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW

[BLEEP] COOL THIS IS THAT YOU'RE

COMING OUT, SEEING THIS, 'CAUSE

COMEDY DIED IN THE EARLY 90s,

AND THANK GOD.

IT DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH,

YOU KNOW.

AND IT STARVED ALL THE--

NOT ONLY DID IT STARVE OUT

THE BAD COMEDIANS, IT STARVED

OUT THE--

LIKE THE BAD AUDIENCES ALSO

STOPPED GOING, AND THEN NOW

WHAT'S LEFT ARE LIKE COMEDIANS

THAT REALLY LOVE IT, AND THEN

AUDIENCES THAT REALLY LOVE

IT.

AND THEY'RE LIKE FUN TO PERFORM

FOR AGAIN, YOU KNOW?

BUT THE ONE THING I DO MISS

ABOUT THE COMEDY BOOM IN THE

80s WERE THE OPEN-MIKES.

AND I MEAN, WHEN I SAY, "OPEN

MIKE," I MEAN ANYBODY CAN GO

ON STAGE AND DO WHATEVER THEY

WANT.

THOSE WERE AMAZING BECAUSE

YOU GOT TO SEE THREE THINGS.

YOU GOT TO SEE ONE, PEOPLE

THAT WERE GOING TO BE FUNNY

SOME DAY AND KINDA HAD A VOICE

AND A VISION.

TWO, PEOPLE THAT WERE FUNNY,

BUT WHO CARES.

WHO'S LIKE, "ISN'T AIRLINE FOOD

CRAPPY?

AND, DOGS AND CATS ARE

[BABBLING]."

ALL RIGHT FINE, WHATEVER.

SO, THEN YOU GOT TO SEE THE

THIRD THING, WHICH WERE

LUNATICS, JUST LUNATICS THAT

LIKE "THERE'S A MICROPHONE

ATTACHED TO SPEAKERS AND I CAN

TALK INTO IT?

OH, THE DEMON MONKEYS IN

MY HAIR WILL HAVE THEIR MESSAGE

HEARD."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THOSE GUYS WERE REALLY GOOD

AT GROUNDING YOU, BECAUSE AS YOU

STARTED TO GET GOOD, YOU'D START

TO FOOL YOURSELF AND GET ALL

DELUSIONAL AND EGOTISTICAL LIKE,

"I'M EDGY, MAN.

I'M GONNA BE THE NEXT EDGY

COMEDI--"

AND THEN THESE GUYS WOULD GO

ON STAGE AND GO, "BUDDHA HAS

A GHOST PENIS LIVING IN YOUR

CEREAL."

YOUR LIKE, "WHOA, I'M NOWHERE

NEAR THE EDGE.

THAT GUY BUILT A COTTAGE ON THE

EDGE WHERE HE LIVES YEAR AROUND,

SO--"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS UP IN TORONTO A FEW YEARS

AGO, AND I GOT THERE A DAY EARLY

I DIDN'T HAVE A SHOW THAT NIGHT,

AND THE CLUB SAID, "WELL,

YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOW, BUT IF

YOU WANNA HOST THE OPEN MIKE."

AND, I SAID, "YEAH," AND I

CROSSED MY FINGERS, AND SURE

ENOUGH A COUPLE OF WING NUTS

CAME IN OFF THE STREET.

AND THIS ONE GUY WENT ON STAGE.

IF HE HAD PLANNED TO DO WHAT

HE DID, HE'D BE A GENIUS--

A GENIUS--

ON LIKE THE ANDY KAUFMAN LEVEL

GENIUS.

BUT THE REALITY OF THE

SITUATION WAS HE WAS A HEROIN

ADDICT THAT WOULD START A BIT

AND THEN HE WOULD NOD OFF IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE BIT AND THEN

HE WOULD REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS

FURTHER ALONG IN THE BIT.

SO IT'S LIKE THE MIDDLE PART

WAS GONE AND IF YOU WERE REALLY

WILLING TO LISTEN AND FOLLOW HIS

THREE LINES OF LOGIC, HIS SET

MADE SENSE IN CONTEXT.

THERE WERE JUST BIG CHUNKS

MISSING.

AND THE BIG TRAGEDY OF IT WAS

HE KILLED.

THE AUDIENCE LOVED HIM.

HE ANNIHILATED.

AND ALL I CAN THINK IS HE'S

GONNA SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE

JUST GOING, "WHEN DID I SHOOT--

HOW MUCH SHOULD I PUT IN--

AND WHEN DID--"

HE'LL NEVER GET THE RIGHT COMBO,

AND UM...

[LAUGHTER]

AND HIS NAME WAS "DR. PEPPER,"

WHICH I ALSO THOUGHT WAS--

OH, DR. PEPPER?

OKAY.

SO, THIS IS HIS SET VERBATIM

AT THE "YUK YUKS" IN TORONTO.

THIS IS DR. PEPPER DOING HIS

SET, YOU KNOW, OPEN MIKE...

[CLEARING THROAT]

"MAN, IT'S ROUGH.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START

OR WHERE TO BEGIN, MAN.

'CAUSE MY ROOMMATE WAS TRYING

TO SELL ME HIS CAR--

SAYS I SHOULD BUY HIS CAR FROM

HIM AND GIVE HIM A $1,000 FOR

IT.

AND I WAS LIKE, 'THE RADIO'S

BUSTED, THE TIRE'S ALL MESSED--

I AIN'T GIVEN YOU A THOUSAND."

HE'S LIKE "YEAH, BUT YOU PUT

A THOUSAND IN THAT, I PUT THE

THING"...

[LAUGHTER]

"THIS DUDE'S OUT TYING HIS DOG

TO A TREE.

I'M OUT THERE TRYING TO EAT

MY BREAKFAST, LEAVE THE DOG OUT

THERE BARKING HIS ASS OFF MAKING

THIS DAMN NOISE, AND I GOTTA

SUPPOSE"...

[LAUGHTER]

"I SAID, 'BITCH, YOU MOVE TO

THE LEFT SIDE OF THE ESCALATOR.

IF YOU'RE GONNA STAND THERE.

I'M TRYING TO MOVE FAST,

YOU JUST STAND THERE LIKE A

STACK OF PANCAKES.

YOU PUT YOUR FAT ASS OVER THERE

AND SHE'S GIVING ME THE BUG EYES

PUT THE BITCH SLIDING SOMETHING

DOWN MY BACK.

I PUT IT..."

[LAUGHTER]

"I SAY, A 1,000?

I'LL GIVE YOU 250 FOR IT, MAN.

THE RADIO'S ALL MESSED UP AND

THE TIRE'S ALL [BLEEP] UP AND

HE'S SAYING, 'WHAT?

C'MON, MAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S THERE LIKE, 'YOU KNOW,

HELP A BROTHER OUT'.

AND I'M LIKE, 'MAN, YOU

WOULDN'T GIVE A CRIPPLE CRAB

A CRUTCH--

[BABBLING]'.

[LAUGHTER]

"MAN, IT'S ROUGH.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START

OR WHERE TO BEGIN, MAN."

THAT WAS DR. PEPPER.

[APPLAUSE]

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