My dad's a badass.
My dad's a real dude.My dad doesn't play games.
He's just an honest guy,you know what I mean?
First of all,my dad was born in Honduras,
orphaned at the ageof four, okay?
The man worked for moneysince he was six.
The dude didn't wear shoestill he was 12.
He immigrated to America,
moved all his family--us--to East L.A.,
where all the Mexicanstreated us like crap,
because they would say--and I quote--
"Eh, you're from farther."
"But I have papers, bitch!"
"I win. I win."
My dad got his thumb cut offin an industrial accident,
and the dude went to workthe next day.
That's my dad.That's my real dad.
You think you have problems,telling your dad,
"Hey, man, life is hard,"
and your dad going,"When I was a kid..."
My dad didn't even talk.
My dad didn't evensay anything.
I remember I came homeat 16 years old, and I go,
"Hey, Dad, I'm takingA.P. calculus at school.
"Oh, my God!
That's the hardest thingI've ever done in my life!"
My dad would go, "Neh!"
"Why you got to bean asshole, Dad?"
Oh, my God.Here's a real one.
You can follow my Twitter feed,and this is real.
I lost my voicein Memphis, Tennessee,
all right,about ten months ago.
I'm freaking out,because as you know,
my voice is all I got.
This face is doing nothingfor my career.
And some of youare like, "Eh."
No, let's be real.I get it.
Hot chicks come up to meall the time,
and they're like,"Oh, my God, you are so funny.
I almost peed my pants,"and then they just leave,
so this faceis doing nothing for me.
I'm like a stripperwhen they turn the lights on.
"Hi--Oh, my God!"
[imitates dinosaur squawking]
So I'm freaking out, right?
I'm in the car freaking out,and my dad calls me up.
"Hey, what's going on? I heardsomething happened to you."
[raspy voice]I go, "Dad, I lost my voice.
"I can't talk,and I have two shows tonight,
"and I don't want to cancel.
"But I don't know what to do,because the doctor said
"he's gonna give mea steroid shot
"and a cortisone shotright in my throat.
"And remember when I was ten,
"and I got bit by the dogwith rabies,
"and they gave me the 14 shotshere on my stomach?
I'm scared, papi. I don't know what to do!"
And my dad goes,"I know it must be hard.
"It must be hard.I can't--
"Is it as hard asnot having a thumb, pussy?
"Because I can't evenhold a microphone!
I can't even hold a-- mira, mira!"
"I can't even pleasureyour mom.
"I don't have a triggerfor the gun.
You know?I don't have it."
"Huh? I have to go like that,and then like that,
and then like that,and then like that."
"And if she wants meto play with both,
"I have to go like this.I have to go like that.
That's how I fingeryour mom."
"Thanks, Dad."[imitates retching]