Jo Koy - Bad Compliments

  • Season 9 , Ep 903
  • 02/03/2006
  • Views: 36,250

Keep your compliments to yourself. (3:10)

SO STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE A MATH PROBLEM.

YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE, WHAT IS THAT?

KEEP YOUR COMPLIMENTS TO YOURSELF.

I GET THE WORST COMPLIMENTS ALL THE TIME.

OH, YOU'RE ASIAN. I LOVE ORANGE CHICKEN. HUH?

- [LAUGHTER] - WHAT?

THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT.

WHAT DO YOU DOWHEN SOMEBODY SAYS THAT?LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO GO

[Thick Asian Accent]"OH, THANK YOU.

"ALL RIGHT. ORANGE CHICKEN.

"ALL RIGHT.ORANGE CHICKEN.

"IT IS SO GOOD! ALL RIGHT.

- [LAUGHTER] - THANK YOU."

LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WEARING

T-SHIRTS WITH PICTURES OF PEOPLE

THAT INSPIRE THEM TO DO STUFF. I WEAR A PICTURE OF MY SON

'CAUSE NO ONE INSPIRES ME TO WORK HARDER THAN MY SON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S ALSO A CONSTANT REMINDER TO WEAR A CONDOM.

GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CONDOMS ARE ANYMORE.

YOU EVER ASK A GUY,"HEY, YOU GOT A CONDOM?"

"NO, I LIVE IN AN APARTMENT."

"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY SON'S TWO. TWO.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH A CRAZY MIDGET.

LIKE CRAZY-- LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE.

TALK TO THEMSELVES. THEY LAUGH AT THEIR OWN JOKES.

THEY POOP ON THEMSELVESFOR NO REASON.

THAT'S MY SON. I'LL JUST BE WATCHING TV.

HE'LL COME RUNNING IN THE LIVING ROOM.

"AH-AH-AH-AH.

DAA-DA-DAA-DAAA-RAADA."

HE'S GOT HIS DIAPER ON HIS HEAD.

CRAP'S COMING DOWN THE SIDE OF HIS FACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M GLAD I HAVE A SON, THOUGH. I GOT A BOY-- A LITTLE BOY.

I DON'T KNOWIF I COULD HAVE A GIRL.

LITTLE GIRL, OH, THEY TURN 16, THEY WANT TO DATE.

THEY SAY, "I WANT TO GO OUT.""OH, GO TO YOUR ROOM."

YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE I REMEMBERWHEN I WAS 16,

MY GIRLFRIEND USED TO CALL ME. "HEY, COME ON OVER.

I'LL LEAVE THE WINDOW OPEN. HEE-HEE-HEE!"

I'M A HEAVY SLEEPER. I'M A HEAVY SLEEPER.

I REMEMBER WHAT I DID THAT DAY.

I DON'T WANT TO CATCH MY DAUGHTER.

OH, IF I CATCH HER-- CATCH YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU'D FREAK, RIGHT?

IMAGINE OPENING UP THE DOOR. YOU'RE CATCHING HER.

"DAD, WOO! NO!"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT A SON. I'D LOVE TO CATCH MY SON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SIXTEEN-- THAT'LL BE THEGREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

IMAGINE IF YOU OPEN THE DOOR. "DAD." "HEY...

GOOD BOY.

LET ME GET THE CAMCORDER."

IT WOULD JUST SUCK IF I CAME BACK WITH THE CAMCORDER

AND ANOTHER GUY POPS OUTFROM UNDER THE SHEETS.

"OH, MY GOD, IS THAT YOUR DAD?" "NO! NO! NO!

THAT'S MY TIME. MY NAME'S JO KOY.

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