Tom Rhodes - Friends with Your Ex

  • Season 13, Ep 20
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 19,141

Tom's ex-girlfriend was like, "I'm having a baby." He was like, "I got an iPod." (4:35)

GREETINGS IN THE EVER-LOVINGNAME OF JAH. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, I JUST MOVED BACKTO THE UNITED STATES, EVERYBODY,

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS,

I WAS ACTUALLY LIVINGIN AMSTERDAM.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAD TO GET OUT OF AMSTERDAM.

I WAS SMOKINGTOO MUCH MARIJUANA.

AND I WANT TO STOP SMOKINGMARIJUANA.

I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY ONE DAY.

I WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN, MAN.I DREAM OF IT.

YOU CAN'T BE SOMEONE'S FATHER

AND BE ALL SMOKED UP ON THE WEEDALL THE TIME.

"DADDY, THERE'S A GHOSTUNDER MY BED."

"WELL, DON'T BRING HIM IN HERE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"CLOSE THE DOOR."

AND I'VE BEEN BACK IN THEUNITED STATES FOR A SHORT WHILE,

AND I'M IN CULTURE SHOCK.

THE UNITED STATES IS LIKEA FOREIGN COUNTRY TO ME NOW.

ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDSARE HARD-CORE CHRISTIANS,

AND THEY'RE ALL OVERWEIGHT,

AND THEY'RE ALL TRYING TO LOSEWEIGHT ON THESE LOW-CARB DIETS.

THAT'S WEIRD --CHRISTIANS NOT EATING BREAD.

AND JESUS SAID,"TAKE THIS BREAD AND EAT IT.

IT IS MY BODY."

AND THE DISCIPLES SAID, "JESUS,WE'RE ALL ON LOW-CARB DIETS."

"WE APPRECIATEYOU DYING FOR OUR SINS,

"BUT WE'RE ALL TRYING TOSLIM DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

WE WANT TO LOOK GOODIN THE PAINTING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

TECHNOLOGY'SSO MUCH MORE AMAZING NOW.

A FRIEND OF MINEHAS A CAMERA PHONE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE THINGS?THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.

AND HE'S SHOWING MEON HIS CAMERA PHONE,

HE'S GOT PICTURESOF HIS GIRLFRIEND.

HE'S GOT CLOSE-UPS OF HER COOKIE

AND PICTURES OF HER DOINGNEFARIOUS ACTIVITIES TO HIM.

AND I'M LOOKING AT THIS,AND I'M THINKING,

"WOW, YOU CAN DOSO MANY THINGS WITH THOSE.

I'VE GOT TO GET A GIRLFRIEND."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT AN ENTERTAINMENT PACKAGETHEY ARE."

HEY, I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS,

BECAUSE THIS JUST HAPPENED TO MEA FEW MONTHS AGO.

I HAD LUNCHWITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

DO NOT STAY FRIENDSWITH YOUR EXES.

[ SCATTERED CHEERS ]

IT'S TOO PAINFUL, MAN.

I HAD LUNCHWITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

SHE WAS SEVEN MONTHS' PREGNANTAND MARRIED TO SOME DUDE.

SHE'S LIKE, "I'M HAVING A BABY."

I'M LIKE, "I GOT AN iPod."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"SOMETIMES,I TAKE MY iPod TO THE PARK,

"AND I'LL SWING ITON THE SWINGS.

"I'LL SLIDE IT DOWN THE SLIDE.

HOW MANY SONGSDOES YOUR BABY KNOW?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MY iPod HOLDS 8,000 SONGS.

CAN YOUR BABY SHUFFLE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY.

I'VE HAD BAD LUCKWITH THE GIRLFRIENDS.

MY LAST SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND,

I DATED THIS GIRLBEFORE I LEFT HOLLAND,

AND SHE WAS MOROCCAN.

SHE WAS MUSLIM,AND I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER, MAN.

AND IT WAS SCREWED UP

BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T TELLHER FAMILY ABOUT ME

BECAUSE I'M A NON-MUSLIM.

AND ON TOP OF THAT,I'M A WHITE AMERICAN,

WHICH IS REALLY UNPOPULAR

WITH EUROPEAN ARABIC PEOPLEFOR SOME REASON.

AND THEN WE HAD TO BREAK UP

BECAUSE I WAS NEVER GONNACONVERT TO ISLAM.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW NOTHINGABOUT MACHINE GUNS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

HOW AM I GONNA BE MUSLIM?SKI MASKS MAKE MY FACE ITCHY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO BOOZE, NO PORK --THAT'S A HARD PROGRAM, MAN.

I COULD GIVE UP BOOZE.

I DON'T THINK I COULD EVERGIVE UP BARBECUED PORK.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I THINK THAT WAS THE PROBLEMBACK IN BIBLICAL TIMES --

THEY JUST DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO DO THE SAUCE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YES.

I LOVE THE PIG!

I AM PORK-DEPENDENT.

I WAS EATING BARBECUED PORK RIBSTHE OTHER DAY,

AND THEY WERE SO GOOD, MAN,AND THE SAUCE WAS ORGASMIC.

AND THE THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME,

"HOW COME NO ONEHAS EVER COME OUT

WITH A BARBECUE-SAUCE-FLAVOREDLUBRICANT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WITH ALL THE FAT PEOPLEIN THIS COUNTRY, MAN,

THAT'D BE A MILLION SELLER.

MMM-MMM! MMM!

I'M LOOKING FOR INVESTORS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS ON A DATE WITH A GIRL.

IT COULD NOTHAVE BEEN GOING BETTER,

AND I THREW OUTTHE WRONG QUESTION.

I WAS LIKE,"HEY, WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU?"

WHOLE MOOD CHANGED. SHE GOES,"I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD.

I'M AN ATHEIST."

I COULD NEVER MAKE LOVE

TO A GIRLWHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD.

WHO DO THEY YELL OUT FOR?

"OH, DARWIN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DARWIN!

"OH, EVOLUTION OF MAN!

"EVOLUTION OF MAN!

"OH, AMOEBA TO MONKEY!

AMOEBA TO MONKEY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

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