Jim Norton - Needing a Woman

Jim Norton: Please Be Offended Season 1, Ep 0101 04/20/2013 Views: 14,145

Although Jim Norton doesn't get nervous on stage, he can't handle awkward social interactions with women. (2:25)

>> I NEED A WOMAN BADLY.

I NEED A WOMAN--

I HAVE BEEN SINGLE

FOR TEN MONTHS NOW.

>> WHOO!

>> WHOO, ONE FAT GIRL.

[applause]

[laughs]

I CAN'T SEE YOU, MISS,

BUT THE FACT THAT YOU WENT,

"WHOO,"

YOU GOT TO BE PUSHIN' 350.

I DON'T GET NERVOUS ON STAGE

AT ALL.

I REALLY DON'T.

THIS IS COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE.

BUT FOR SOME REASON, THOSE

ONE-ON-ONE AWKWARD SOCIAL

MOMENTS ABSOLUTELY RUIN ME,

AND I'M 43 YEARS OLD.

IT'S NOT CUTE TO BE SHY

AT MY AGE.

BEING SHY IS CUTE WHEN YOU'RE,

LIKE, 21 OR 22.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK UP, LIKE,

"HI."

[guffaws]

WOMEN ARE LIKE,

"OH, GET OVER HERE.

YOU'RE CUTE."

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO

[bleep] PAUL LYNDE.

HORRIBLE IMPRESSION

OF A WOMAN THAT WAS.

I CLEAR MY THROAT A LOT,

WHICH YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ANOTHER

GUY, AND I NEVER REALIZED

HOW GROSS IT WAS UNTIL I GOT

THAT LOOK, 'CAUSE I THINK I'M

LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

NOTHING TO BE ALARMED ABOUT.

I'M GONNA BE OKAY.

BUT CERTAIN FOODS JUST MAKE ME,

LIKE...

[clears throat]

WHICH IS SICKENING.

IF YOU'RE LIKE,

"SO, I"--

[clears throat]

AND I KNOW I DO THIS,

AND I'M SUCH AN ASS.

YOU THINK I WOULD AVOID CERTAIN

FOODS, BUT I'M AT THE BAR,

AND I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, THE LADY'LL HAVE A VODKA,

AND A BUTTERMILK FOR ME,

PLEASE."

THEN FOR 35 MINUTES,

I'LL BE LIKE...

[clears throat]

"NO, IT'S JUST MUCUS AND PHLEGM

CLINGING TO MY VOCAL CHORDS AS I

TRY TO GET YOUR UNDERPANTS OFF."

IT'S EVEN WORSE IF YOU'RE GOING

DOWN ON HER, 'CAUSE SHE'S JUST

GONNA BLAME HERSELF.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

"NO, NO, IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S ME.

I HAD A DAIRY PRODUCT EARLIER.

I WAS ON MY WAY OVER, AND I WAS

EATING CHEESE OUT OF A BAGGIE."

YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE

LYING WHEN YOU

CLEAR YOUR THROAT.

EVEN IF YOU'RE BEING PERFECTLY

HONEST, YOU SOUND LIKE A LIAR.

"DID YOU TOUCH THAT CHILD?"

[clears throat]

"NO."

THEN YOU GOT TO QUICKLY TURN

YOUR PENN STATE HAT AROUND.

[cheers and applause]