Fred Armisen - Street Smarts

Gardell, Armisen, Tucker, Houston Season 5, Ep 502 10/12/2001 Views: 11,360

Never carry more than a dollar in cash on you at any given time. (3:55)

FRED ARMISEN>> WHATSUP?

I'M FRED FROM THE MINNEAPOLIS

POLICE.

AND I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SELF-DEFENSE.

KEEPING SAFE ON THESE DANGEROUS

CITY STREETS.

GUESS WHAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A VICTIM.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

QUICK SHOW OF HANDS.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE CARRY MORE

THAN ONE DOLLAR IN CASH ON THEM

AT ANY TIME?

BE HONEST.

THAT'S STUPID!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NEVER EVER CARRY MORE THAN

A DOLLAR IN CASH ON YOU AT ANY

TIME.

IF YOU'RE GONNA BUY SOMETHING,

YOU'RE LADY'S GONNA PURCHASE

A MAGNUM P.I. POSTER...

OR WHATEVER.

(LAUGHTER)

BORROW THE MONEY FROM

THE CASHIER.

OKAY?

NOW LET ME INTRODUCE TO YOU

MY ASSISTANT AND MY ASSAILANT.

THIS IS JOHN.

NOW THE FIRST THING--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ENTERTAINMENT.

IT'S ABOUT EDUCATION.

NOW THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GONNA

NOTICE ABOUT JOHN IS HE'S NOT

BLACK.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY TO ME,

"OH, HE'S A BLACK GUY.

BLACK PEOPLE DO CRIME."

I DON'T NEED ANY OF THAT RACISM

IN HERE.

AND BESIDES, IF YOU LOOK AT THE

STATISTICS, NINE TIMES OUT OF

TEN, YOUR ATTACKER IS GONNA BE

ONE OF THOSE (BLEEP) LATINOS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, JOHN AND I DO THIS IN HIGH

SCHOOLS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

WHY DO WE DO IT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

A FEW YEARS AGO, MY TWO YEAR OLD

DAUGHTER WAS ABDUCTED.

SHE WAS TAKEN FROM ME.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENED, I VOWED

THAT I'D SPEND THE REST OF MY

WEEKENDS SEARCHING FOR HER.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NOW...

WHAT DO YOU DO IF THIS GUYS

GOT A GUN?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU FIGHT.

THIS GUYS HAS GOT ABOUT A

QUARTER OF AN INCH HE CAN USE

BEFORE HE PULLS THAT TRIGGER.

I ALWAYS CARRY A PEN WITH ME

EVERYWHERE I GO.

PULL THE GUN TOWARDS YOU.

PUT THE PEN RIGHT HERE.

HE CAN'T PULL THE TRIGGER.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PEN,

GET ONE FROM THE ATTACKER.

(LAUGHTER)

SOMETHING ELSE YOU SHOULD ALL

CARRY...

A FLASHLIGHT.

WHY?

YOU'RE AT AN ATM.

THIS GUY COMES UP BEHIND YOU...

YOU COULD DISTRACT HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, USE YOUR

CELL PHONE.

PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A

CONVERSATION AND HE'LL LEAVE YOU

ALONE.

JOHN>> GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!

GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S GONNA BE IT FOR US.

SO REMEMBER, MIND AND

BODY LANGUAGE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)