D.C. Benny - New York City Subway

  • Season 8 , Ep 3
  • 02/05/2004
  • Views: 11,214

When they make the announcements, it's like they could be saying anything. (3:03)

D.C. Benny: GOING TO CATCH A

TRAIN HOME TONIGHT, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S ALWAYS EXCITING.

THE TRAIN IS LIKE THEATER,

YOU KNOW?

I'M SITTING THERE THE OTHER DAY.

THIS LADY COMES UP.

HANDS ME A PENCIL AND A NOTE

AND IT SAYS, "I'M DEAF."

SO I WROTE, "I'M BROKE."

I GAVE IT BACK, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S LIKE, "THAT'S BULL--."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THE BOTTLE STARTS ROLLING.

THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE, IT JUST

COMES OUT OF NOWHERE, IT STARTS

ROLLING.

AND NOBODY DOES ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THEN THE ANNOUNCEMENTS COME ON.

YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT

THEY'RE SAYING.

TECHNICALLY THEY COULD BE SAYING

ANYTHING.

"NEXT STEP TIMES SQUARE AT

WHICH TIME I'LL LIGHT UP THE

CRACK PIPE.

PUT ALL OUR LIVES IN THE HANDS

OF JESUS."

[LAUGHTER]

DID HE SAY EXPRESS?

WHAT WAS THAT?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOMETIMES PEOPLE BRING BIKES

ON THE TRAIN.

LIKE, IT'S A BIKE GO RIDE IT,

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU CHEATING IN THE

RACE?

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THE TRAIN, THERE'S A LOT

OF STUFF ON THE TRAIN, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T LIKE TO MAKE EYE

CONTACT, YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU'RE FORCED TO THE WAY

IT'S ARCHITECTURALLY STRUCTURED.

FOR ME, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY

SITTING ACROSS FROM ME THAT'S

TRYING TO STARE ME DOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'D BE LIKE SOME CRAZY GUY

LOOKING AT ME FLOSSING.

AND LIKE...

[HIGH-PITCH SOUND]

HE'S GOT NO TEETH AND NO FLOSS.

HE'S JUST DOING THIS, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

OR I SIT ACROSS FROM THE ANGRY

BROTHER WITH THE WALKMAN ON

SINGING THE MOST VIOLENT RAP

LYRICS DIRECTLY AT ME.

"SHOOT THE MOTHER [BLEEP] FOR

NO REASON AT ALL."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

THIS HAPPENED TO ME THE OTHER

DAY.

I GET ON THE TRAIN.

THE TRAIN IS PACKED BUT THERE'S

TWO SEATS LEFT.

SO I SIT IN ONE OF THE SEATS.

I REALIZE SOMEBODY HAS SPIT IN

THE OTHER SEAT.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE EMPTY.

SO NOW I'M THE UNOFFICIAL WARNER

OF THE SPIT SEAT, YOU KNOW?

ANYBODY THAT COMES ON, IT'S

"NAH-AH.

NO, NO, NO."

AFTER ABOUT SIX STOPS I'M LIKE,

"FORGET THIS."

I'M READING THE DR. ZITZMORE

SIGN, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SOMEBODY GETS ON, SITS DOWN,

[SQUISH].

I TURNED.

EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

SPIT SEAT."

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

BUT MY ALL TIME FAVORITE GUY

THAT COMES ON THE TRAIN IS

THE CHINESE ONE-DOLLAR GUY.

'CAUSE HE COMES ON.

HE HAS A BAG OF MERCHANDISE.

HE SELLS EVERYTHING FOR

A DOLLAR AND HE DEMONSTRATES THE

USAGE OF EACH ITEM, YOU KNOW?

"THIS A BACK SCRATCHER.

ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR.

BACKS SCRATCHER.

THIS GOOD FOR SCRATCHING BACK,

MAYBE BALLS.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR,

ONE DOLLAR."

"THIS A YO-YO.

YO-YO, YO-YO.

GOOD FOR BLACK GUY.

YO-YO, YO-YO, YO-YO.

ONLY ONE DOLLAR.

ONLY ONE DOLLAR.

THIS A FAKE CELL PHONE.

BEEP-BEEP, 'WHO THIS?'

'IT'S ME.'

ONE DOLLAR.

EVERYTHING ONE DOLLAR.

IT'S ALL ONE DOLLAR."

I'M D.C. BENNY, GUYS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

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