D.C. Benny: GOING TO CATCH A
TRAIN HOME TONIGHT, YOU KNOW?
THAT'S ALWAYS EXCITING.
THE TRAIN IS LIKE THEATER,
YOU KNOW?
I'M SITTING THERE THE OTHER DAY.
THIS LADY COMES UP.
HANDS ME A PENCIL AND A NOTE
AND IT SAYS, "I'M DEAF."
SO I WROTE, "I'M BROKE."
I GAVE IT BACK, YOU KNOW?
SHE'S LIKE, "THAT'S BULL--."
[LAUGHTER]
THEN THE BOTTLE STARTS ROLLING.
THE SNAPPLE BOTTLE, IT JUST
COMES OUT OF NOWHERE, IT STARTS
ROLLING.
AND NOBODY DOES ANYTHING.
[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]
THEN THE ANNOUNCEMENTS COME ON.
YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT
THEY'RE SAYING.
TECHNICALLY THEY COULD BE SAYING
ANYTHING.
"NEXT STEP TIMES SQUARE AT
WHICH TIME I'LL LIGHT UP THE
CRACK PIPE.
PUT ALL OUR LIVES IN THE HANDS
OF JESUS."
[LAUGHTER]
DID HE SAY EXPRESS?
WHAT WAS THAT?
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
SOMETIMES PEOPLE BRING BIKES
ON THE TRAIN.
LIKE, IT'S A BIKE GO RIDE IT,
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ARE YOU CHEATING IN THE
RACE?
[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, THE TRAIN, THERE'S A LOT
OF STUFF ON THE TRAIN, YOU KNOW?
I DON'T LIKE TO MAKE EYE
CONTACT, YOU KNOW?
BUT YOU'RE FORCED TO THE WAY
IT'S ARCHITECTURALLY STRUCTURED.
FOR ME, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY
SITTING ACROSS FROM ME THAT'S
TRYING TO STARE ME DOWN.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'D BE LIKE SOME CRAZY GUY
LOOKING AT ME FLOSSING.
AND LIKE...
[HIGH-PITCH SOUND]
HE'S GOT NO TEETH AND NO FLOSS.
HE'S JUST DOING THIS, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
OR I SIT ACROSS FROM THE ANGRY
BROTHER WITH THE WALKMAN ON
SINGING THE MOST VIOLENT RAP
LYRICS DIRECTLY AT ME.
"SHOOT THE MOTHER [BLEEP] FOR
NO REASON AT ALL."
[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]
THIS HAPPENED TO ME THE OTHER
DAY.
I GET ON THE TRAIN.
THE TRAIN IS PACKED BUT THERE'S
TWO SEATS LEFT.
SO I SIT IN ONE OF THE SEATS.
I REALIZE SOMEBODY HAS SPIT IN
THE OTHER SEAT.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE EMPTY.
SO NOW I'M THE UNOFFICIAL WARNER
OF THE SPIT SEAT, YOU KNOW?
ANYBODY THAT COMES ON, IT'S
"NAH-AH.
NO, NO, NO."
AFTER ABOUT SIX STOPS I'M LIKE,
"FORGET THIS."
I'M READING THE DR. ZITZMORE
SIGN, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
SOMEBODY GETS ON, SITS DOWN,
[SQUISH].
I TURNED.
EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,
"YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB.
[LAUGHTER]
SPIT SEAT."
[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]
BUT MY ALL TIME FAVORITE GUY
THAT COMES ON THE TRAIN IS
THE CHINESE ONE-DOLLAR GUY.
'CAUSE HE COMES ON.
HE HAS A BAG OF MERCHANDISE.
HE SELLS EVERYTHING FOR
A DOLLAR AND HE DEMONSTRATES THE
USAGE OF EACH ITEM, YOU KNOW?
"THIS A BACK SCRATCHER.
ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR.
BACKS SCRATCHER.
THIS GOOD FOR SCRATCHING BACK,
MAYBE BALLS.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
ONE DOLLAR, ONE DOLLAR,
ONE DOLLAR."
"THIS A YO-YO.
YO-YO, YO-YO.
GOOD FOR BLACK GUY.
YO-YO, YO-YO, YO-YO.
ONLY ONE DOLLAR.
ONLY ONE DOLLAR.
THIS A FAKE CELL PHONE.
BEEP-BEEP, 'WHO THIS?'
'IT'S ME.'
ONE DOLLAR.
EVERYTHING ONE DOLLAR.
IT'S ALL ONE DOLLAR."
I'M D.C. BENNY, GUYS.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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