Jay Larson - Ready to Go

Sommore, Larson, Caldwell, Smith, Mosey, Schultz, Wessling Season 1, Ep 1 08/31/2006 Views: 3,771

Jay Larson is prepared for anything. (2:31)

( breathes heavily into mike )

You guys like being alive?

( laughter and scattered applause )

Me, too. Love it.

Always have.Ever since I was a little kid.

Wanted to be a hero.

That was my thing.

Used to go for bike ridesand pray

I'd go by a burning house,

and there'd be a woman outside,like, "My baby's inside!"

I'd run and be, like,"I got the baby."

Never happened.

( laughter )

But I'm still mentally preparedright here.

Like, if I goto a public restroom,

and I'm standing at the urinal,and a guy walks in

just to wash his hands--which is weird and shady--

( laughter )

I keep...

I keep an eye on that guy.

Right in the silver tubing,I watch that guy.

( laughter )

And I ask myself,"What are you gonna do?

"What are you gonna do

if this guy makes a moveright now?"

I know exactly what I'll do.

I'll take one step backlike this,

arch my back,get a nice rainbow,

get a rainbow,take out his eyes.

When he can't see,I go at the knee, grab his face,

shove it in the toilet,and then I yell at him,

"What did I tell you?"

Even thoughI never told him anything.

( laughter and applause )

Just so when I left,he'd be, like,

"Did that guy tell me something?

Should I have been listening?"

( laughter )

It's a crazy world.

You don't knowwhat's gonna happen.

The other day I pulled upto an intersection,

and there was a guy therebefore me going this way, right?

I'm going this way.

But there's a womancrossing in front of his car

that's like setting a pick,so, it's like...

Yeah. So it's likemy right of way.

I can go.

But then she does one these.Like, "Oh..."

She hurries along.

So now he goes,but I'm already out there,

and the guy gives me the bird.

And I don't roll that way.

( laughter )

So I banged a U-y.

And I follow the guy.

Three blocks.

The guy pulls over.

He goes,"What's your problem, bro?"

I go, "Why'd you flip me off?"

He goes, "Cause you cut me off."

I go, "You think thatnecessitates a ( bleep ) you?

And he goes,"You want to get out of the car

and fight about it?"

And I lean down in my glove box,and I go,

"Yeah, I've been dyingto cut somebody."

Guy drove off.( laughter )

Two things, you guys.

I didn't have anythingin my glove box.

And that story isn't even true.

( laughter and applause )

I thought of that afterwards.

I'm, like, "I should have saidI want to cut somebody."

( laughter )

You just don't... you don't knowwhat's gonna happen.

It's a crazy world.