- Audience: AW! - DAH. I DON'T CARE.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD.I MEAN, YOU GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY
YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH,'CAUSE WE DIDN'T.
I FOUND OUT, LIKE I GUESS I'M THE TYPE "B" PERSONALITY.
I'M PRETTY LAID BACK AND SHE WAS A...BITCH.
AND IT WASN'T GONNA WORK OUT.
EVERYTHING'S SUCH A BIG DEAL IN A RELATIONSHIP.
LIKE, GUYS, YOU EVER DO SOMETHING NICE
AND REGRET IT 'CAUSE NOW YOU GOTTA DO IT EVERYDAY,
OR YOU DON'T LOVE HERAS MUCH AS YOU DID ON WEDNESDAY?
"HOW COME YOU DON'T PICK FLOWERS ANYMORE?
YOU USED TO GO OUTSIDEAND PICK FLOWERS FOR ME,
HOW COME YOU DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE?"
'CAUSE, THERE'S NO FLOWERS IN DECEMBER THERE'S PINECONES.
YOU WANT A PINECONE, 'CAUSE THERE'S PINECONES.
'CAUSE, YOU'RE SO PRETTY,I'LL PICK YOU A [BLEEP] PINECONE
- NEXT TIME I GO OUTSIDE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING TO ME."
AND I DON'T LIKE [BLEEP] TALKING TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?
SO WE JUST SOLVED THE PROBLEM. NO MORE TALKING, ALL RIGHT.
SHE USED TO MAKE ME READ BOOKS. YOU EVER GET THAT?
WE GOTTA READ BOOKS SO WE COULD COMMUNICATE BETTER.
I DON'T READ, ALL RIGHT? I PAY FOR CABLE. ALL RIGHT?
IT'S A WASTE OF [BLEEP] TIME.
SHE GAVE ME THE VERBAL ABUSE HANDBOOK. YOU EVER READ THIS?
I FELT BAD READING IT 'CAUSE THEY HAVE ILLUSTRATED EXAMPLES
OF WHAT VERBAL ABUSEMIGHT BE IN YOUR HOUSE,
JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. "SO, BRENDA SAYS TO BOB,
'BOB, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR DINNER?'
BOB SAYS, 'SHUT UP, WHORE AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH.'"
OH, MY GOD. THAT'S VERBAL ABUSE. I HAD NO [BLEEP] IDEA.
I SHOULD PROBABLY HIGHLIGHT THAT,
'CAUSE THAT'S GOOD [BLEEP] TO KNOW.
I'VE BEEN SAYING THATTO MY GRANDMA FOR YEARS,
AND I HAD NO IDEA THAT IT'S WRONG.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH BOB? BOB'S A DICK.
I NEVER SAID ANYTHING, THOUGH.
LIKE, I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT NOW,
'CAUSE I GOT A COURT ORDER.
BUT YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH SOME PEOPLE.
LIKE, I COULDN'T, YOU KNOW, I WAS OUTTA MY LEAGUE.
YOU EVER HAVE THAT FRIEND THAT DOESN'T PULL ANY PUNCHES
IN AN ARGUMENT? THEY JUST SAY THE MEANEST THING THEY CAN THINK OF
JUST TO WIN THE FIGHT, AND THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU
CUT YOUR WRISTS AFTERWARDS? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T SAY TO SOMEBODY
YOU'RE GONNA SEE TOMORROW, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
"WE'RE NOT IN TRAFFIC. I [BLEEP] LIVE HERE."
LIKE, I COULDN'T ARGUE ABOUT LITTLE STUFF.
IT'D BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT
I GOTTA TAKE THE TRASH OUT EVERY TIME." SHH.
"OH, YEAH? WELL, I DON'T LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A MAMMA'S BOY
- AND YOU GOT A LITTLE [BLEEP]." - [LAUGHTER]
GUESS I'LL TAKE THE TRASH OUT THEN.
I'M NOT EVEN REALLY MAD ABOUT THAT ONE ANYMORE.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]