Jim Gaffigan - The Pope

  • Season 3, Ep 6
  • 07/11/2000
  • Views: 56,058

Anyone a pope here? (2:07)

ANYONE POPE HERE?

POPE NEVER GOES OUT.

WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN WEIRD

TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOLWITH THE POPE?

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY DID.

SOMEBODY'S SITTING AT HOMEWATCHING TV IN POLAND.

THEY SEE THE POPE, THEY THINK,"THAT GUY WAS A JERK.

"HE WAS SO MEAN TO ME,AND NOW HE'S POPE?

I GOT A SWIRLYFROM THE POPE."

I THINK IT'D BE GREATIF YOU HAD A KID

THAT ENDED UP BEING POPE.

THAT WOULD BETHE ULTIMATE BRAGGING RIGHTS.

"OH, YOUR SON'S A DOCTOR?

"YEAH, OURS IS POPE.HE DOES OKAY.

"OH, THEY HAVE A HOUSE?

HE HAS HIS OWN CITY.IT'S IN EUROPE."

DO YOU THINK WHEN THE POPEWAS A LITTLE KID

HE FANTASIZED ABOUTEVENTUALLY BECOMING POPE?

YOU KNOW, LIKE WE MIGHT ABOUTBEING A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE?

WAS HE, LIKE, EIGHT YEARS OLDIN HIS BACKYARD GOING,

"THERE HE IS, THE LEADEROF ALL THE CATHOLICS!

"WHAT A POPE!THE BEST POPE EVER!

[laughter]

THE PROTESTANTS ARE FRIGHTENEDOF THIS NEW POPE."

I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC.

MY DAD--MY DAD USED TO ALWAYSVOLUNTEER ME

FOR THE READING IN CHURCH.

I'D BE, LIKE, SIX YEARS OLD.

HE'D BE LIKE,"YOU'LL BE DOING THE READING."

I'D BE LIKE,"CHRIST!"

NEVER HAVE MY GLASSES,SO I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO READ.

I'D BE LIKE, "UH, A LETTERFROM PETER TO THE APOSTAGE--

"POST--SOMEBODY KILL ME!

I'D RATHER GO TO HELLTHAN READ UP HERE."

CHURCH--YOU'RE READINGFROM THE BIBLE.

IT'S NOT LIKEYOU CAN MAKE SOMETHING UP.

YOU COULDN'T GET THE FIRST LINEAND THEN AD-LIB.

"LETTER FROM PETERTO THE APOSTLES.

"DEAR APOSTLES, HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

"SURE IS HOT HERE.

"TELL JESUS, HEY."

THIS IS THE WORD OF THE LORD."

THAT IS ALL FOR ME.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[applause]

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