Cristela Alonzo - Flying with a Jewish Boyfriend - Uncensored

Travel 03/12/2015 Views: 6,926

Before they can go on a romantic getaway, Cristela Alonzo and her boyfriend have to make it through airport security. (5:42)

[cheers and applause]

(Cristela)So I'm in my 30s,

and I've only had one boyfriendin my life.

And I think it's weird too,because I'm obviously so pretty.

But...

(woman)Whoo-whoo!

Thanks.That's my mom.

[laughter]

??

Oh, no, no.

I also have to tell you thatI have a thing for Jewish guys.

I love Jewish guys.

Like, you know how guys getexcited when they see, like...

[laughter]

Hey.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

Where did you getthat Spanish from?

It's because I grew upin South Texas,

and I grew upwith Mexicans,

so then when I movedto New York,

I thought Jewish guyswere so exotic

that I was like,"Oh, my God."

I, like, yeah!

[laughter and applause]

So I was doing an open mic,and I met this guy,

and he was a stand-up comic too.

He still is.

And we started talking,and he was really nerdy,

like, pale, black glasses,you know,

and I was like,"Yes, this guy," and...

30 minutes intothe conversation,

he tells me he's Jewish,and in my, like, I'm like,

"Oh, that's cool,"but in my mind, I'm like...

[imitates alarm blaring]

Like, love it, right?

I'm like,"Oh, I'm on board, right?"

It was a Jewish guy in Dallas.

It was like a unicorn,and...

[laughter]

We ended up going out on a date,

and he tells on the datethat he is a part-time cop.

And I have a fear of cops,

because they tend to benot nice to me in my life,

so we went outon our first date,

and we ended up hitting it off.

We started dating.

We're, like, maybe a monthinto dating, right?

And we decidethat we're gonna have

a romantic trip to New York.

We're gonna go on Thanksgiving,right?

And we're so excited,and I'm, like, loving it,

and the moment we startedplanning the trip,

he becomes Clark Griswoldfrom National Lampoon.

It's, like,he gets really anal.

He's like, "All right,we're gonna go traveling."

That's my Jewish accent.

And he's like,"We're gonna go traveling,

"and we need to make it easyfor security,

"so don't wear any beltsto set off the metal detector.

"Don't put on any shoeswith laces.

"Like, save time,liquids, gels, 3 ounces,

blah, blah, blah,"you know.

I'm like,"Yeah, I've flown before."

Thank you.

So then we go,and we get in line

at the security line,right?

And this guy, he's just like,"Hey, remember, man, like,

if you're wearing a belt,take off your"--

I'm like, "I get this, okay?

I'm not wearing a belt.Good."

We get in the security line.

I go through.

No problem, right?

He gets in the other line,and he walks through,

and then all of a sudden,it's like...

[makes squeaking noise]

His bag, right?

So they're like,"Whoa, whoa

There's something with the bag.

We've got to look insidethe bag," right?

Looks inside the bag.

This old white guywho works at TSA is like,

"Whoa, we've got toshut security down."

Shuts security down.

They sent 200 people awayto another security gate.

We don't know why,right?

This guy, the old white guy,starts swabbing the bag, right?

And it comes back positivefor explosives.

Then I hearthe old white guy say,

"Whoa, Nelly."

[laughter]

The guy looks at the bottomof the bag

and takes outa .40-caliber Glock.

[laughter]

I start thinking,"Oh, my God.

This is not [bleep]inghappening.

[laughter and applause]

They get the gun.

They put me against the wall.

They pad me down.

Mind you, my white boyfriend

isn't getting anyof this shit.

They're like,"Oh, you brought the gun?

Brown girl,come here."

It's like,"Oh, all right."

This is weird,all right."

So after that, they have to callthe police department

that he was a cop to make surehe wasn't lying.

They verify,"Hey, he's a real cop," right?

They let us go.

I go to the plane, and I think,"[bleep] this guy,

"if I never see him again.

I'm going to New Yorkby myself," right.

He sits next to me,and the entire time,

we're just sitting like this.

I'm looking outside the window.

He looks like this.He's looking at me.

An hour into the flight,

I finally look at him and say,

"Well, at least the [bleep]ingbelt didn't set off

the [bleep]ing metal detector."

Thank you.