Rory Albanese - Middle East Solution

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 04/07/2011
  • Views: 14,616

To thwart fundamentalist brainwashing in the Middle East, we just have to introduce video games, junk food, and medical grade marijuana. (4:16)

BUT I THINK I STUMBLEDUPON A SOLUTION

FOR SOME OF OUR PROBLEMSIN THE MIDDLE EAST.

I WAS IN THE SHOWER,

AND MY BEST IDEAS COME TO MEMID-LOOFAH.

SUDSING UP THE CHEST HAIR.LADIES.

AND IT OCCURRED TO METHAT OUR ENEMIES OVER THERE

WERE SMALL GROUPSOF FUNDAMENTALISTS

BRAINWASHING CHILDREN,BRAINWASHING THEM.

THEY'RE 12-,13-YEAR-OLD KIDS

BEING TAUGHT, "DEATH TO AMERICA.DEATH TO AMERICA,"

AND THAT'S THE AGE.13 IS THE AGE TO GET SOMEBODY.

HALF THE REASON ANYONEIN MY GENERATION SMOKES

IS 'CAUSE AT 13 WE WEREINTRODUCED TO A CAMEL

WITH A PENIS FOR A HEAD.

"I GOTTA TRY.I GOTTA TRY IT."

SO ALL WE HAVE TO DOIS PRESENT SOMETHING

TO THESE KIDSTHAT'S SLIGHTLY MORE ENTICING

THAN HATE,WHICH SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD

SINCE THEY'RE GROWING UP INTHE SAME TOWN AS LUKE SKYWALKER.

LOOK HOW BADLYHE WANTED OUT.

AND HE HAD TWO SUNSETS.

(laughter)

HE DID.

SO HERE'S A NEW STRATEGY.

PHASE ONE--FLY OVERTHE MIDDLE EAST,

AND WE DROP HD TVsAND NINTENDOS.

(imitates impacts)

THEY'RE CHILDREN.THEY'RE GONNA LOVE VIDEO GAMES.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

THEY DON'T FEEL LIKE LISTENINGTO THEIR PARENTS SO MUCH,

KINDA LIKE OUR KIDS.

"ACHMED, IT'S TIMETO TRAIN FOR FATWA."

"IN A SECOND, DAD.

TRYING TO LEVEL UPON WII ZELDA."

UH-OH, LITTLE TENSION,KINDA LIKE OUR HOUSES.

BY THE WAY, WII IS LIKETHE BIGGEST AGE BAROMETER

OF ALL TIME.

NOTHING SAYS YOU'RE OVER 30LIKE PULLING A HAMMY

PLAYING WII TENNIS,LIKE, "OH, JESUS."

SO NOW WE GOT THESE KIDSKIND OF ADDICTED TO VIDEO GAMES

LIKE OUR KIDS.

THEN WE HIT THEM PHASE TWO--THE JUNK FOOD PHASE.

(imitates impacts)

AND I DON'T MEAN JUNK FOOD,I MEAN THE KIND OF STUFF

THAT ADULTS CAN ONLY EATWHEN THEY'RE INTOXICATED.

YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY DON'TI EAT THIS EVERY DAY?"

AND IT'S LIKE, "I'LL TELL YOUIN THE MORNING."

WE'VE ALL HAD THAT NIGHTWHERE YOU WAKE UP,

KIND OF LIKE A WEREWOLF DOESIN HIS CAVE AFTER A RAMPAGE.

"WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?"

THERE'S JUST ANIMAL CARCASSESALL OVER THE PLACE,

BUT FOR ME IT'S LIKEI OPEN MY EYES

AND I LOOK TO MY LEFT,

AND THERE'S LIKEA 7-11 HOT DOG WRAPPER.

NO! DEAR GOD, NO!

OH, MY GOD, SPAGHETTIOSWITH THE SPOON IN THE CAN!

AAH!

I DIDN'T EVEN HEAT IT.I DIDN'T EVEN HEAT IT UP!

(laughter)

THE DEVILWAS IN MY BONES LAST NIGHT.

THE DEVIL.

NOW YOU GOT FATVIDEO-GAME JUNKIE KIDS,

KINDA LIKE OUR KIDS.

THEY DON'T WANT TO TRAINTO BE TERRORISTS.

HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED THE NEWS?TERRORISTS TRAIN ON MONKEY BARS.

FAT KIDS HATE PLAYGROUNDS.THAT'S A FACT.

THAT IS A WIKIPEDIABLE FACT.

THEN YOU HIT THEMWITH PHASE THREE,

THE MOST OBVIOUS PHASE--MEDICAL GRADE MARIJUANA.

(imitates impact)

EVERYWHERE.JUST PEPPER THE JOINT.

YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO LABEL IT.THEY'RE TEENAGERS.

THEY'LL FIGURE OUTWHAT TO DO WITH IT.

THEY ALWAYS DO.IT'S IN THEIR DNA, YOU KNOW.

"I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFOREBUT SOMETHING SAYS

I SHOULD CARVE A PIPE OUTOF AN APPLE AND SMOKE IT."

(laughter)

"I'M IN."

NOW OUR ENEMY, WHICH USEDTO BE YOUNG BOYS LEARNING

"DEATH TO AMERICA" ARE STONED,

FAT, VIDEO GAME JUNKIESWHO WANT NOTHING TO DO

WITH THEIR PARENTS,OR ANYONE, FOR THAT MATTER.

THEY'RE DONE.

"ACHMED, IT'S TIMETO BLOW YOURSELF UP."

"(bleep) YOU, DAD.

"I DON'T WANT TOBLOW MYSELF UP.

"I KNOW GRANDPA BLEWHIMSELF UP,

"AND YOU'RE GONNA BLOWYOURSELF UP,

BUT I WANNA BE AN ARTIST."

"NO! NO!"

AND THEN IT'S JUST CHAOSIN THE HOUSE.

EVERYONE SCREAMING AND YELLINGJUST LIKE AT OUR HOUSES.

YOU KNOW,THE MOM'S CRYING,

BUT JUST THE BURQA'S WET 'CAUSEYOU CAN ONLY SEE HER EYES.

THAT'S NOT RACIST.IT'S A CULTURAL FACT.

AND THE KID'S THROWINGA TANTRUM,

HE RUNS UP TO HIS ROOMAND LIKE SLAMS THE STRAW DOOR

AND PUTS ON LOUD SITAR MUSIC.

(imitates wailing sitar)

IT'S PANDEMONIUM!

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