Jeremy Hotz - Pain in the Eyes

  • Season 3 , Ep 3
  • 06/20/2000
  • Views: 6,068

Brown contacts are not very big sellers. (3:03)

YOU GOT THE GLASSES;I GOT THE CONTACT LENSES.

WHAT A MISERABLE PRODUCTTHAT IS.

PUT THE GLASS IN YOUR EYE.IT WON'T HURT.

[bleep] OPTOMETRIST.HE PAWNED THESE OFF ON ME.

HE WEARS GLASSES,THAT PRICK.

HOW MANY PEOPLEWEAR CONTACTS?

CLAP IF YOU DO.

[applause]

YEAH, THEY STINK,DON'T THEY?

YOU EVER TALKING TO SOMEONE,

AND ONE OF THEM STARTSMOVING AROUND IN YOUR EYE?

WHAT A HORRIBLE MOMENTTHAT IS.

GREAT, I'VE GOT A LAZY EYE.

I'M A FREAK.

I CAN SEE NINE PEOPLEAT THE SAME TIME.

YOU EVER PUT ONE ININSIDE OUT?

YOU CAN SEERIGHT INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

I GOT THE COLORED LENSES.I GOT THE BROWN ONES.

NOT A BIG SELLER,THE BROWN CONTACT LENSES.

MY EYES ARE NATURALLY BROWN,

BUT THEY'RE NOT THE BROWNI WAS LOOKING FOR.

"DO YOU HAVE A MORE[bleep]-BROWN COLOR FOR ME?

IT REALLY BRINGS OUTMY TRUE PERSONALITY."

I HAVE ASTIGMATISM IN MY EYE.DO YOU HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM?

YEAH, IT'S WHEN YOUR EYEGROWS SCREWY.

MY OPTOMETRIST SAYSIT COMES FROM YEARS

OF DOING STAND-UP COMEDY,STARING INTO THE LIGHTS.

HE SAID HE COULD FIX ITWITH LASER SURGERY.

I SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"

HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO SHINETHIS LIGHT IN YOUR EYE."

I GOT A COLDIN MY GIANT NOSE.

I WOKE UP,AND I WENT TO BREATHE IN.

ALL I GOT WAS:[snorts]

GOOD THING I WOKE UP.I COULD HAVE SUFFOCATED.

TOOK THAT STUFF YOU STICKIN YOUR NOSE TO CLEAN IT OUT,

THAT DRISTAN NASAL MIST.

WHAT A MISERABLE PRODUCTTHAT IS.

WHO DESIGNED THAT?

YOU SQUEEZE IT,IT GOES HALFWAY UP.

IT HITS THE STUFFIN YOUR NOSE

AND RUNS DOWN YOUR CHINLIKE THAT.

IT'S A USELESS IDEA.

THEN I'M IN FRONTOF THE MIRROR,

TRYING TO PUSH IT BACK UPWITH MY FINGER.

THEN I DO THIS:[snorts]

THEN IT HURTS BACK HEREFOR SOME REASON.

SO I GOT TO PUTMY CONTACT IN INSIDE OUT

TO SEE WHAT THE HELL'SGOING ON IN MY HEAD.

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