Greg Fitzsimmons - S**t-Sneeze Room

  • Season 10, Ep 8
  • 03/16/2006
  • Views: 6,808

Greg has a suggestion for a new day spa. (1:50)

BECAUSE JUST ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

AND BEING WITH YOUR KIDS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAN EVENTS,

'CAUSE THEY'RE IN THE MOMENT. THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE THEM.

THEY'RE PRESENT. THEY LIVE LIFE THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO.

LIKE WE'RE AT A WISHING WELL ONE DAY AND I'M WITH MY SON

AND I GIVE 'EM A PENNY AND I SAID, "OWEN,

"YOU TAKE THIS PENNY, YOU THROW IT IN THE WATER,

YOU CAN WISH FOR ANYTHING YOU WANT."

SO HE TAKES THE PENNY, THROWS IT IN THE WATER I GO,

"WHAT'D YOU WISH FOR?" HE GOES,

"TO THROW THE PENNY IN THE WATER."

HOW DO YOU GET MORE IN THE MOMENT THAN TO WISH FOR

WHAT YOU'RE DOING AT THAT MOMENT?

HE'S LIKE A ZEN MASTER. I CAN ONLY LEARN FROM HIM.

MY DAUGHTER'S THE SAME WAY. SHE'S TWO.

SHE'S ON THE CHANGING TABLE THE OTHER DAY, NAKED

JUST SQUIRMING AROUND. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

SHE JUST SNEEZED, AND [BLEEP] FLEW 12 FEET ACROSS THE ROOM.

JUST SPLATTERED THE WALL. AND THEN SHE JUST GIGGLED

AND PASSED OUT ALL IN ONE INSTANT.

AND I WAS SO JEALOUS IN THAT MOMENT.

LIKE I WILL NEVER FEEL PURE JOY

THE WAY THAT BABY DID IN THAT ONE SECOND.

NOBODY TOLD HERTHAT WAS WRONG.

YOU SHOULDN'T DESTROY A WALL AND PASS OUT LAUGHING.

I JUST WANTED TOGO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT,TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF,

SNEEZE, DROP A DUCE, TAKE A NAP.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT AND THAT SEEMS WRONG.

I SEE A LOT OF YOU GOING; I THINK I'D LIKE TO DO THAT.

I THINK SOME OF THESE EXPENSIVE DAY SPAS

SHOULD JUST HAVE A SPECIAL [BLEEP]-SNEEZE ROOM.

JUST A PLACE YOU GO AND GET NAKED AND JUST SNEEZE

AND DEFECATEAND FALL ASLEEP.

AND SOMEBODY COMES IN AND HOSES YOU DOWN

AND SELLS YOU A VIDEOTAPE OF WHAT YOU JUST DID.

[LAUGHTER]

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